To Hate or Not to Hate

It sucks when you try so hard to hate someone but they don't give you a reason to.

Mr. Perfect

I am testing the water by my relationship with Mr. Perfect.
I want to know my limit in giving in for what I think I want.
Tell me, which girl doesn't want a man who:
1. Is good looking,
2. Has great body,
3. Is amazingly rich,
4. Is well mannered,
5. Is highly educated,
6. Is well read,
7. Has global view of world,
8. Understands you,
9. Claims to love you,
10. Has bright future,
11. Dress impeccably.

Tell me who could resist that? And the fact that someone so perfect loves you back, makes it unbelievable. Especially if you have been cheated and hanging around with stupid bozos all your life.

Of course, I should disclose other factors that might affect the decision-making process. I will share my own process of thought while thinking about this problem of mine.

Would I reject the existence of this Mr. Perfect in my life if he is married? Am i willing to share my life with a man that comes with an excess baggage of another woman and children in a marriage? Am i willing to be married not only to a man, but also to his children and wife?

Am i willing not to be myself eveytime I am around him? Am I willing to be an impeccable dresser, perfect lawyer, devoted woman, clean girl, sex slave at the same time 24/7? Am i willing to change myself to be suitable to be with him? How much longer can I pretend before I reveal my true self?

He is everything I ever wanted in a man. I highly regard my status in society. I indulge in vanity. I want to be the creme de la creme. I want to be in those magazines that portrays housewives with succesfull husband. I want to be one of the Stepford Wives. I don't want to be in Working Girl. I want to be in Stepford Wives.

Then he comes along. He is the answer to all of this.

But other men came into my life. They accept me fully and unconditionally (or at least thats what i think). They're ok if i'm sloppy and dirty (which is one of my true identity). I don't have to pretend and serve them all the time. And it feels good. But I wouldn't get my dream of being Stepford wives. They haven't achieved that highly regarded status. There is even no assurance at all to be one of the Stepford Wives in this case. They never really want to have relationship. How could they possibly want marriage?

Maybe they accept me fully and unconditionally because they do not want to marry me- so what's the point of changing me? Or maybe they don't want to marry me because I revealed my true self. This is just like the chicken and egg question- the answer is never right.

Anyway, that is why I decided to run away from this puzzling question for a while. To reflect and question myself about what I really want. Societal value or love?

Oh God, why can't I just love myself enough so I wouldn't have to seek for it in society and husband? Why do I complicate life with questions that I can't answer? Well, the answer to this might be simple, find someone that is un-committed and loves you unconditionally but that man also has or will have the highly regarded status? But life doesn't always work that simple. I actually spotted some bright future, but lousy personality. Amazing personality matched with no existence of money. Good looking but is a no-brainer.

What do you think I should do?