Helllowwww

Wanna buy me gifts? Check out my wish list..hihihi..You kow, i'm just helping those of you who are a little bit confused on what to get for me...

p.s. you are not allowed to call me high maintenance after you check out the list =p

I'm ready

to accept the past,
and to face the future.
I'm ready to battle all my battles,
and to return home.

WTF?

Just when I am secure with myself and want to be alone, men are coming like flies are coming to corpse.

There is this guy that is the epitome of perfection in my eyes- adventurous, sociable, intelligent, athletic, stable, communicates well with me, understands and accepts me as I am,

A person that I had an on and off crush-
JUST PROPOSED TO ME..


If you know me well enough, you know what my answer is.

Not so Late Reflections of 2006

1. Lifetime service award (longest friend): Lita Lunanta
2. Highest point of the year: Being admitted to phsychiatric ward
3. Lowest point of the year: Terrible break up
   
4. Holiday of the year: Indiana
   
5. Anthem for 2006: Unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield
6. Regrets: Absofuckinglutely none
7. Best Night Out: With brown frat boys and philly sorority sistaaa
8. Worst Night Out: With Megan and friends at Tommy Doyles
9. Drink of 2006: Bud Light
10. Most Embarassing Moment: None
    
11. Food of the year: Steak and Sushi
12. New friends of this year: A LOT..action, mm, annie, danielle, joy, megan, bob, bob again, dana,rheina, sandy, sandra
    
13. Best sex this year: I don't kiss and tell

1. Where did you end up december 31, 2006? Indianapolis
2. What was your status on February 14, 2006? For the first time since the past 5 years...IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!
3. Were you in school? Most of the time...yes
4. How did you earn your money? Sugar daddies..haha
5. Did you ever have to go to hospital? Yup
6. Have you ever encountered a police? Yes..we're good friends now, and no-it wasn't a sexual encounter
   
7. Where did you go on vacation? DC, Ellenville, NY, Indianapolis
8. What did you purchase that is over usd 500? My gucci horsebit bag
9. Do you know anybody that got married this year? A loooot...cherine, irma, cut rini, kinoy, chalil, rulianda, and others...
10. Did you know anybody who passed away? My uncle
11. Have you ran into anybody you graduated high school with? Nope- even if i do, they wouldn't even recognize me
12. Did you move anywhere? yep..from dorm to expensive apartment to a cheap and cold room
13. What sporting events do you go to? would any bed room sport counts???
14. What concerts did you go to? none...except my own physical orchestra..wink wink
15. Are you registered to vote? I vote not to register to vote
16. If so, did you do your patriotic duty on Nov.7? What duty..I am always a patriot, no matter what the date is
17. Where do you live now? In a house-where i share rooms with my 60 year old room mate that aspires to be my DAD!!!!
18. Describe your birthday..lonely..by that time, i thought i would spend it with my ex..hiks..hiks
19. What is the one thing that you thought you would never do but did in 2006? Suicide attempt
20. What is something that you learned about yourself in 2006? I'm quite reserved and introvert, when I fall in love- I fall hard, I am not a player (ok now don't laugh), I could do sports, I am lucky and blessed, I can't run away from the past, I am serious, I have loving friends and families, and I tend to date ASSHOLES...
    

Fully Booked

" If you want a work to be done well, give it to the busiest person"

I think this adage is true. The busier you are, the more things you have to do. Last night I got asked to go out on a date for the first time this year. By 2 different people. I have to juggle with all my activities now. I have to meet my therapist, have lunch with my lawyer, teach class at the yoga place, distribute 400 flyers for free yoga classes, take martial art follow up classes, take my dragon boat-rowing classes, and work out my work and visa issues.

No time for dating, I guess. Besides, my eyes and heart is set on someone else.

I have to make money, I really want to take the sky diving and scuba diving classes.

the Scientist

Okay, this entry is not about a song titled "the Scientist" by Radiohead. This is a story about a little girl..a long long time ago. A little girl who aspires to be a scientist. A girl who wants to be a scientist because of the Hollywood movies that she watched. A girl whose favourite movies are Back from the Future, the Flash, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk.

I am that little girl. I wanted to be a physician, chemist, or engineer. By 7th grade, I know I wanted to enter Bandung Institute of Technology, the MIT of Indonesia. When I reached the age of 13, I went to the Institute, along with my best friend. I fell in love with Bandung. I want to go there. I want to live there. Paris van Java- they called that city. It was also at that city that I found my first boyfriend. I don't think any of you- my regular reader knows this part. Now, you might think that he's a paedophile or something. No, he isn't. He was in high school and was about to enter the Institute. My first romance was in Bandung. Hanging out in Dago. Quite advanced for a 13 years old don't you think?

He entered the Institute. I didn't.

I don't know how I ended up in law. I guess it just happens. I was always studying science. I remember entering Physics competition, talking about chemistry, and was always doing math problem when I was in high school. Based on my performance, I was elected to be in a special science class. It never even passed my mind that I would be entering anything related to Social Studies- not to mention law. Social Studies was way below the league-at least that was the way it is perceived by my friends, family and society. But being sociable- I was the weird one among all of my geekish friend. Of the whole 50 classmates that I have- there was only 2 person who entered social studies- yes..I, myself and Margareth. The rest of my classmates seems to be transferred to Bandung Institute of Technology- or enter any university to be a Medical Doctor.

So there it is. I'm a geek. And loving it. And still aspire to be a Scientist.

Finally...

Dear All,

I am happy to announce that I am finally over my ex-boyfriend- you know who. The reason I am posting and announcing this is for you...yes all of you..to held me accountable, everytime I even mention about him, talking about our past, rekindling past romance, justifying his behavior, and being delusional of how happy we were.

Thank you for your attention!!

Angry Family

Today becomes the first time that I have talked to my brother since a year ago. We were never that close. But for the first time, I see how we are related. We are conditioned not to trust anyone- not even each other. We are conditioned not to show our love or any other emotion.

My brother and I never went to the same school, except in our high school. But by the time he entered high school, I was already in college in a different island. He reminds me of myself a few years ago. He was where I was once before, a place filled with a lot of guilt and rage.

He hates America the way I hated America. He has been beating up any American that could be found near him. His profile in one of the online website is filled with Nazi's picture. He tries so hard to make my mother happy so he could be loved, the way I tried. He really wants money, the way I was so materialistic. He is sociable the way I was.

I can't imagine his reaction if I told him that I don't want to get married yet, or that I have a tatoo, or that America actually isn't the devil. I told him that he shouldn't hate America if he has never even been to America. "Don't make judgment", I told him. I told him that I understand his feeling, because I was once in that place too. He resisted and said that it's his opinion and the way he feels.

I know how hard life is treating him. This is the boy that was hit by a broom by his mother when he was nine years old. My mother hit him so hard that it left bruises for days. This is the boy that had a fight and was brought to a police station. While he was in the police station, no one in the family wanted to pick him up at the police station. This is the boy that life the same life, shared the same room, and is conditioned to think that money is the most important thing in this world. We were never given any stipend. We were both pushed to be strong, to never show emotion, to have straight A's, to make a lot of money- by all means, either by hook or crook.

I don't need to spill all the domestic and emotional violence that we went through in our household. Talking with him, I see my past. How I want to save him and open his eyes. How I want to tell him that it is okay to love. How I wish that he would trust me and let me his confidante. There are so many things that I wish to happen, but just didn't.

We are just like each other, and if you were in our position, wouldn't you be bitter and angry too?

Maybe some of you already knows about my father. He once was my idol. I once wanted to be his favourite. Now, he might be going to jail and lost almost all of our family equities. I pulled all the strings to try to save him from going into jail. Despite of all my effort, not that I am expecting a simple thank you- he didn't even say any single thing to me. He didn't go to jail- but blames me for not getting the guy that he hated so much to be imprisoned. Instead of being grateful that he didn't end up in the jail-he blames me for not getting another guy imprisoned.

Today, my brother told me that he also pulled some strings. I don't know how, but he got the Minister of Education to meet my father. The Minister told my father to sit back, relax, and the guy that he hates will lose his job. But no, my father says he wants the guy to be imprisoned.

The similar thing about me, my brother, and my father, is our rage and love for vengeance. It seems that everyone who dares to brush our ego will be crushed. But is it worth it?

I know that for me it didn't. It takes a lot of me to realize that. I wish I could share this with them. I wish that whoever reads this will take the lesson without having to go through what we have been through.

What is this?

Ex-es Rendezvous or something? This time I am happy when my ex contacted me and tell me about his new 23 years old girlfriend...Did I tell you his 40 now? He is as cute as a teddy bear, funny, adorable...He is my TWIN!!! Oh No..My future isn't going to be a Mrs. Robinson....

And yet...

Another surprise from my other ex. The ex that I adored for his honesty. My ex that is always blunt and direct with his statement. The one that I thought would never keep me in the dark. The one whom...a minute ago, I just found out to be in love with the same girl for the past 7 years. Which, if the math is correct since we dated 3 to 4 years ago..means that..he was in love with someone else while he was in a relationship with me.

Did the whole universe suddenly decide to open up and bring the whole truth about my judgment of people that I think I know about? Perhaps all these information is given because I am ready. Because I simply don't care about all my ex-es anymore. The heck with it, eh?

DANG...

I just saw a recent picture of my ex boyfriend- my first love- it took me over than two years to get over our 4-6 months relationship. His picture is on one of a local organization's website. He looks....MARRIED, the way a married man looks, with a tiny bump of meat on his stomach. His shoulder is broader and tanned. But oh my God, seriously, is this guy that i fall head over heels for? He has bangs for Christ sake. When he smiles, he looks as if he doesn't have an upper lip. My heart didn't skip any beat the way it used to. I can't wait to get this picture out of my sight. GOD, what did i see in him in the first place? Jeez..and this was the guy that i can get over with? Now I just can't wait to get rid of anything related to him.

This is exactly a time where one moment completely change the way you see the other person. I think I made the right decision.

Why is it that everytime I look at my ex-es, I always wonder what I have ever seen in them?

simple

i have a simple relationship with him. i'll be there for him and i know he will always be there for me. no romance, no flirting, no expensive dinners, no getting drunk, no swearing, no exclusivity. i don't expect him to pick up my call, to ask me out, to tell me about his daily activities. and he doesn't have any right to expect anything that he is not doing reciprocally. simple. really simple. i finally come at peace with my past. has he? i don't think so. but it is none of my business. the only business i have is with myself.

Plans for 2007

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who gave comments in my blog, I am really sorry- but somehow those comments could not be published. I really really really appreciate every comments.

Second of all, I would like to say good luck for my fellow Jessupers in UI- have fun and I hope to see you in Washington DC in March.

My temporary plan for 2007:

• Volunteering for Amnesty International, AIDS Advocacy, and Committee Against Child Abuse; Boston (January-March)
• Visit Steven; New York (February)
  
• Jessup; Washington DC (March)
• Volunteer to help preserve native american heritage; nevada(March)
  
• Sky Diving, Frank Lloyd Webers House and Test Drive; Arizona (April)
• Teach Yoga at Juvenile Kids Center and Victim of Domestic Violence (March-April)
  
• Scuba Diving Certification and Coral Reef Observation in Hawaii (June-July)
  
• Start school (September)
  

I want to learn to play chess and poker, I want to take the Mensa test, I want to visit David, Nitzan, Amrin and Steven in NY. I want to play with kids and help advocate for people in need. I want to know my God more closely. I want to have healthy relationship with my family. I want to visit Maudy in Colorado. I want to be emotionally secure and financially independent. I want to meet Wui Ling and Vitri in September. I want to consult with Nick about my carreer. I want to hear OCK's compassion and wisdom. Contrary to people's belief that I am impulsive, I do have plan in my life. I just don't like sharing about my plan, carreer, or financial condition with other people. I will follow up with what happens in my life. But I have a good feeling about this year.

Listening

I again practice listening. Listening to what I really want to do. A year ago, all I ever wanted was to work in New York, be a corporate lawyer, walking around Wall Street with my savvy suit, reading my Wall Street Journal while sipping my coffee, watching Bloomberg while having lunch, investing my money in mutual funds, hanging out with mutual fund managers and mortgage brokers. Why did I wanted all that? Prestige, Money, Respect. Do I really like doing it? I like math. I love the strategy and politics involved in New York Finance World. Hey, this is the center of all the money in the whole freakin world. To be involved in that industry means you are part of the controller of the world. After all, the world is ruled by money, eh? But will I be happy? No. Will the money that I get make me happy? No.

Everyday I ask the same question:
"my heart, speak to me...what should I do? Should I change my carreer? what should I do to make my soul, instead of my emotion, happy? please talk to me..I'm all ears, I'm listening."

It has been months. Still no answer. I should ask much more often, louder, and with sincerity.

There is an absolute certainty that there is something bigger than this. There must be. There must be something bigger than the daily activities. Everytime I look around, people are working out harder and harder, drinking more and more, going out late and later.

Sky once told me, that even if he became a very rich person- he would still work. Why? He works because he loves what he is doing. RS told me that he doesn't have to work, because he has enough money. He did it because he loves doing law. Michael and Annie become yoga instructors because of the environment and they love what yoga brought to them. Michael and Annie are mostly happy with what they do every single day.

There are also people like D, C, and J- whose name I would not mention. D,C, and J have to do their job to make a living. Do they like what they are doing? A little. Do they love what they are doing? No, they are only making a living.

You can always tell the difference between a person who do their job because they want to make money and those who really love what they are doing. People who feels that their profession is their calling.

What is my calling? What? What?

After a long reflection, the only thing that I could think of is still being a lawyer, but I want a direct involvement with people- not corporation as a legal entity. The last time I tried, I wasn't emotionally strong to be in human rights law or any other law related to any governmental entity. A lot of times, I just feel useless and no matter how much effort I take is just not going to make any difference. Not to mention the pain of seeing other's suffering and pain. The reason why I don't want to be close with people is because once I open my heart, I become overly involved with them- including my clients. I am learning the art of balance in personal life.

Another thing that I have been struggling if I decide to do this is the travelling and over commitment in time. I was constantly reminded by my family of a supposedly main function of a woman..to be a "housekeeper". Being in this area would mean no regular office hours- and probably no possibility of future husband. It was not until a few months ago that I stopped caring about the importance of being in a relationship, understand the real meaning of relationship, stop defining the main function of a woman, and really accept who I am, what happened in my past and really listen to what I want.

Understanding my impulsive nature, I wouldn't make any decision too fast. I am taking my time. I am travelling and volunteering around while listening to my heart. Since what I am doing really comes from my heart, nothing seems more fulfilling.

At this point, what really matters is my happiness. Having money, being in a relationship and trying to be loved by others doesn't make me happy. I am listening. Listening to what really makes me happy instead of what people say would make me happy.

I am flat broke, cold, and single- but I have never been happier in my life. Wy? Because I have never loved myself as much.

Florida

Hello people...how is everyone doing? I am doing great! I just got back from Orlando, Florida. These were the most fascinating 3 days vacation. Where the sun is shining warmly and the wind just blows your hair...and all that you would ever want to do is to lie down, relax, and unwind. Heavenly, shall i say.

So I had soooo much fun in Universal Studios. I visited the whole area!
I,

1. Killed all the aliens in Men In Black's ride,
   
2. Flew with a Bicycle in ET's,
   
3. Went back to the 50's and dinosaurs era in Back from the Future's,
4. Joined the Princess Fiona's journey at Shrek's,
5. Experienced tornado at Twister's
6. Watched Fear Factor live
7. and soooo much more fun stuff...

The most amazing gift to myself in the beginning of this year. Plus, sunbathing and going to the hot tub in the four star Wyndham Orlando Resort. The most important thing that I found out is..the recipe to have a real fun and blast is just ME...I had so much fun, though no friend, company, acquintance, family, or boyfriend joined me.

Boot Camp

My new year resolution was to do things that I really want to do- sincerely from my heart. To make my resolution a reality, I begin the very first day that marks 2007 with something that I have been wanting to do for a few months. I begin my boot camp in White Mountain and Sedona, Arizona.

These are the pictures of the place where my boot camp a.k.a. training was conducted. Altitude: almost 6000 feet. Weather: almost 10 degree Fahrenheit every single day.

I was living at these mountains for 14 weeks. No smoking, no drinking, and workout everyday. In a summary I will tell you how it went.

Day 1: Arrival- 9 hours of flight plus delay from Indianapolis-Dallas to Phoenix, Arizona. Continues with 4 hours drive to Overgaard, White Mountains. Uniform and room keys were given. Two hours later, the pre-test was conducted. The training room was 15 minutes from my room, and I was running out of breath- because of the high altitude combined with my smoker lungs. After a one hour warm up- every trained counted how much I can do push up, sit up, and hold all the over stretched yoga and martial art posture. My feet was swollen from the plane and bus ride, I haven't eaten anything except one bar of snickers and a can of coke. I thought I almost fainted- but I wanted to push my limitations- I want to do this- and I know I can do it.

My pre-test result was not bad, though it falls in the median- 25 push ups and 40 sit ups in each 5 minutes that was given. The pre test ended at 11 pm.

Day 2: 6.30 am, near the lake. I was only wearing one sweater with a jacket- because I didn't bring my gloves and hat- I didn't check the weather in Arizona, because I thought it would be warm there. Little did I know that the training will be on the mountain. It was snowing. The snow was hitting my face so hard- my lips was dried and bleeding- and I can't feel my hands anymore, and this is only from 15 inutes of doing warm up. The instructor told us to run. Shit! I can't run- the snow hits my face harder and harder, I can't breathe, everything is dark, I decided to slow down and one by one each participant passed me, because I wasn't even running anymore- I was barely walking. Then Ricardo shouted from behind me. Ricardo is this big bearded Mexican guy from Illinois, Chicago. He is my team leader. He yelled and ran beside me.."You can do it!".."Move...!".."Run!". So I ran and ran and ran until I can only hear the wheezing sound from my lungs, and my heart was about to explode. After the run, we did the training in the training room- then came breakfast.

Day 3: Punching and Boxing training. Punch..punch harder. Aim higher, aim lower, kneel down, find your center, tiwst your waist. First punching style: 3000 times- and there was 10 punching style- which meant only one thing- I have to do 30000 punching in 4 hours. Left hand with right feet- Right hand with left feet, now right feet with right hand. Darn Lord..I can't even tell the difference between left and right. I remember how I was never chosen to be on stage during my childhood because I can't tell the difference between left and right. I remembered all the wrong turns I took in my life- but I am here to disconnect myself from previous judgment.

Day 4: Better confidence. I am just as capable as everybody else. I can do anything that I want, as long as I focus and work hard. Kicking lessons. Back side kicking. 360 degrees turning. Pivot kicking. I feel I want to vomit from all the jumping. Kick higher- as high as your chest, as high as your chest, higher than your head...AAArght..I fell down once, twice, and a lot more times..but it didn't stop me...

Day 5: "F@7k oFFF!, stop waking me up! I want to sleep-- " , I was bitter, angry and tired, and I just wanted to curl up in my bed and cry- but six people came and was banging my door. They finally left me alone- after I yelled on the top of my lungs to them. I went out to smoke. Two hours later, I joined them. Still with my frowning face- yet these people seems to trust me more than I trust myself. So, i learn to trust myself again. I learned the cool Bruce Lee style of martial art-and mastered it quite well. I felt so light because I know that I am in a safe place. A place where I can be myself, where I can be bitter, angry and lazy, where I can do whatever I want, and ain't no one is telling me what to do- yet still loves me.

Day 10: We were given sword. While everyone slept with their sword, I hate my sword- I don't want any extra baggage to carry, another responsibility to bear with. Especially because it is compulsory to carry it everywhere, including to bathroom and bed. I did it anyway. Everytime I think I can't do something, I will take another step. Because in the end, it is always proven that I can do it- but my mind keeps on stopping me by feeding all these negative comments from past experience.

Day 13: I fell in love with my sword. I grew to love it, since we were always together. We were almost inseparable. I stayed at the training room to practice until 1 am. Tomorrow is my TEST day.

Day 14: Test day. Graded both based on team and individual performance. I PASSED!!!