Mysterious girl has a dirty little secret, that she only shares with DC.
Mysterious girl is up to no good, and nobody will know it, except for that someone whom she is willing to be naked with..
Shhhh..mysterious girl is feeling that she is on the top of the world...
Mysterious girl is always beautiful and awesome, and anyone who is around her is happy to be together with her...
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
My J
My J, or shall i say my boo...is one awesome guy, and i really mean it. I remember meeting him again in cambridge, and he still looks the same- just the way i saw him a few months ago in washington dc. Still looking awfully handsome, the same physical look that make my heart pangs and my stomach has butterflies everytime i see him. And the most amazing thing is that he feels sooo attracted to me. He is so attracted that he finally overcomes his fear of rejection and shame to ask me out on a date. FINALLY...Thank God!!!
I was smiling and nervous the whole day when he asked me out on a date. This was like a dream come true. God has finally answered my prayer to send someone to me to forget Bobby. And no other man would i desire more to date than him. Hey...don't blame me, to get over a guy, you have to get under a guy (not that i have had the chance to get under him, maybe soon...).
He is so smart that we talked about so many things, and he what makes me really happy is that he accepts me as i am, with all my drama and complications. He even says that my life is so interesting that he would be very proud to play a role in it.
I think I am going to fall in love very soon...I hope it wouldn't hurt as much as the last time...
p.s. hey you, yes you sexy creature...this essay is for you!!!
I was smiling and nervous the whole day when he asked me out on a date. This was like a dream come true. God has finally answered my prayer to send someone to me to forget Bobby. And no other man would i desire more to date than him. Hey...don't blame me, to get over a guy, you have to get under a guy (not that i have had the chance to get under him, maybe soon...).
He is so smart that we talked about so many things, and he what makes me really happy is that he accepts me as i am, with all my drama and complications. He even says that my life is so interesting that he would be very proud to play a role in it.
I think I am going to fall in love very soon...I hope it wouldn't hurt as much as the last time...
p.s. hey you, yes you sexy creature...this essay is for you!!!
My Nims
Nim in Korean is equal to Chan in Japan. Just like my new friend Miwa-chan, I have met a lot of happy souls. Their names are Nicholas-nim, Sandra-nim, Sandy-nim, Michael-nim, Danielle-nim, Heather-nim, and my favorite soul...Annie-Nim. They lift me up when I'm down, they share their breakfast, lunch and dinner together with me....and most of all, they have seen me when my wall of strength fall down and i broke down in the verge of tears. They are the one that i rely on in this time of need..and i am grateful for all my nims...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Status
I never really cared about the status in friendster, facebook or other virtual places. I never thought that it really matters. because people that are my friends in virtual world are my friends in real life. So why bother updating about my status or my situation, if I could tell it directly to them? I think showing your love to the whole world by demonstrating your pictures with your loved ones, and giving possesive testimonials filled with "I love yous" to show that he/she is mine is an insecure and pathetic act.
I almost never added any random friends from chats or any other attempts. Perhaps that is why my account is filled with requests for friends addition- which i usually reject or not reply. Some of them are really stubborn and didn't stop at the first attempt. But I had a very clear goals and aim in joining these networking thing, it was not to add friends or to flirt or to broaden my network. It is simply to catch up and find out how my other friends are doing. It wasn't until I was in US that i realized how benefecial this networking things are. I know from the updates of my friend's profile, their bulletin, blurbs and blogs about what is happening with them. In a way, this is my way of keeping in touch with my friends.
I also found out a lot of things about my own country through these network sites. This year, I got invited to five weddings, found out about funerals and other state policies- all through these websites. Not to mention things about my family, because they are in the website too. And to see people's testimonials, pictures, and messages for me, is something that brightens up my days- to know that there is someone thinking about me on the other side of the world.
It was in one perfect day- last year, that i found out that a guy whom i was in a relationship with- did not changed his status in his networking site. I somehow feel that my existence, in his eyes, did not matter. I felt that my relationship with him was defined by his status in these networking thing. I feel..degraded, enraged, and not respected. It was as if my existence was denied and invalidated. Looking back, I think I over reacted. This is when I know that I over rated my virtual existence and take it as the value of my real existence. Perhaps this is based on my communication by that time, all of which I did through phone or chat conversation. I valued highly my virtual exostence by that time. I still think that it is disrespectful-in a certain degree, but do not take it as seriously. What I understand now, virtual world is in itself virtual. Based on all the cases where the police tracked down all the sexual pervert and predator from online chats and networking websites such as MySpace- I take it that not everyone is being their real self when they are in virtual world. I have always been honest in my virtual communication, but the alluring aspect of this world is its virtuality, not it's reality.
However, this is only my opinion. And other people may not think the same as I do. So, from now on, as a sign of respect- I will change my status in accordance with my real life status. Anyhow...shouldn't a relationship be based on respect and equality? And if i show my respect of his existence, i hope he does the same thing.
I almost never added any random friends from chats or any other attempts. Perhaps that is why my account is filled with requests for friends addition- which i usually reject or not reply. Some of them are really stubborn and didn't stop at the first attempt. But I had a very clear goals and aim in joining these networking thing, it was not to add friends or to flirt or to broaden my network. It is simply to catch up and find out how my other friends are doing. It wasn't until I was in US that i realized how benefecial this networking things are. I know from the updates of my friend's profile, their bulletin, blurbs and blogs about what is happening with them. In a way, this is my way of keeping in touch with my friends.
I also found out a lot of things about my own country through these network sites. This year, I got invited to five weddings, found out about funerals and other state policies- all through these websites. Not to mention things about my family, because they are in the website too. And to see people's testimonials, pictures, and messages for me, is something that brightens up my days- to know that there is someone thinking about me on the other side of the world.
It was in one perfect day- last year, that i found out that a guy whom i was in a relationship with- did not changed his status in his networking site. I somehow feel that my existence, in his eyes, did not matter. I felt that my relationship with him was defined by his status in these networking thing. I feel..degraded, enraged, and not respected. It was as if my existence was denied and invalidated. Looking back, I think I over reacted. This is when I know that I over rated my virtual existence and take it as the value of my real existence. Perhaps this is based on my communication by that time, all of which I did through phone or chat conversation. I valued highly my virtual exostence by that time. I still think that it is disrespectful-in a certain degree, but do not take it as seriously. What I understand now, virtual world is in itself virtual. Based on all the cases where the police tracked down all the sexual pervert and predator from online chats and networking websites such as MySpace- I take it that not everyone is being their real self when they are in virtual world. I have always been honest in my virtual communication, but the alluring aspect of this world is its virtuality, not it's reality.
However, this is only my opinion. And other people may not think the same as I do. So, from now on, as a sign of respect- I will change my status in accordance with my real life status. Anyhow...shouldn't a relationship be based on respect and equality? And if i show my respect of his existence, i hope he does the same thing.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Memories from New York
The breeze of freedom is what you feel when you get to New York, followed with the enchanting gessture of it's people in expressing their independendence.
I remember going to Greenwich, having one dollars cheese pizza, residing in Queens, and having the best Chinese food in the whole United States of America.
And oh, we shall not forget the clubbing scene....As Fergie would say, it is Risiculous..in the meaning that it is ridiculously sick. Going to the famous lounge, to a crazy 80's club, and even to all the salsa clubs...this is the place to be single.
Times Square by night..enjoying the fun offered by lights, twinkling and playing with your mind...oh yes they do...oh how lovely they are. And let us not forget Central Park...the largest park i have ever been to. Seeing all the art installation, and people running away from their momentarily routine, to a state of relaxation.
Hudson River...oh so beautiful was the reflection of the sun in the moving water. Where the trains are passing by and you can see wild bushes and trees surrounding it.
I remember going to Greenwich, having one dollars cheese pizza, residing in Queens, and having the best Chinese food in the whole United States of America.
And oh, we shall not forget the clubbing scene....As Fergie would say, it is Risiculous..in the meaning that it is ridiculously sick. Going to the famous lounge, to a crazy 80's club, and even to all the salsa clubs...this is the place to be single.
Times Square by night..enjoying the fun offered by lights, twinkling and playing with your mind...oh yes they do...oh how lovely they are. And let us not forget Central Park...the largest park i have ever been to. Seeing all the art installation, and people running away from their momentarily routine, to a state of relaxation.
Hudson River...oh so beautiful was the reflection of the sun in the moving water. Where the trains are passing by and you can see wild bushes and trees surrounding it.
In some ways..New York has seen me grow. New York was once my dream, until it became a memory. It portrays my ambition and self acceptance. When I look back to the pictures above, I know that I am not yet where I want to be, but I am glad that I am not where I was. And to my faithful companion.....Thank you...
In Memory of Bali
Bali has never stopped to enchant me...the land of the Gods. It was as if God himself created this particular small land, and with all the beauty.
I remember going through all the valleys with motorcycle, running and meditating in all the temples, dining in the middle of paddy fields, rushing to see sunset, snorkeling in the ocean, playing with all the colorful small fishes, body surfing and feel the salty water of the ocean....
And when the night time comes...I will eat by the ocean, and sip my wine..while the wind blows my dress, and my dancing partner embraces me...
I remember swimming before sunset with Leo...and wandering around the renaissance museum we were living in...
Bali has always been blissfull, it is my Las Vegas- where no one could find out what i am doing, did or done. Where i am free, to express myself and to do anything that i want to do. And every memory that Bali brings, engrains in the oores of my skin...the way the smell of Bali ocean and the grian of Bali sands keeps coming constantly....
Picture by Marijn
I remember going through all the valleys with motorcycle, running and meditating in all the temples, dining in the middle of paddy fields, rushing to see sunset, snorkeling in the ocean, playing with all the colorful small fishes, body surfing and feel the salty water of the ocean....
And when the night time comes...I will eat by the ocean, and sip my wine..while the wind blows my dress, and my dancing partner embraces me...
I remember swimming before sunset with Leo...and wandering around the renaissance museum we were living in...
Bali has always been blissfull, it is my Las Vegas- where no one could find out what i am doing, did or done. Where i am free, to express myself and to do anything that i want to do. And every memory that Bali brings, engrains in the oores of my skin...the way the smell of Bali ocean and the grian of Bali sands keeps coming constantly....
Picture by Marijn
Monday, October 23, 2006
lately...
lately, i woke up in early morning and listen to the sound of birds, touched the mist and run as fast as i can to the river. i run and run and run, until my body movement is faster than that of my mind. and i will drink a mocha latte while reading my books. then i take a blissful hot shower, then hit the greenpeace office.
at day time, i will meditate and do my martial art and yoga, before i hit my 5 hours therapy session. i have to say, this is the time for me. where i don't think about relationship or family. this is purely MY time, the time of enjoying by myself, doing whatever i want. and not thinking of what other people want from me. and in my sleep, which is usually terrifying and dreamless, i meet the souls of people that i love.
finally,..it is in doing what i love that i find contentment. it is within me that i find the greatest love. and in love do i find strength.
The wizard of Oz
i feel as if i am Dorothy. and now, I am entering the colored world, out of the black and white world of extremity, i enter into the living colors of dreams, passion, rage, love, lust, hope and desire. in one part, i am saying goodbye to the departed, while still holding on to it to reflect upon in the future. but the day of colors are coming. this is one memento from the black and white days, of me and my gray friend. funny, how my soul is so black by that time, although the background is certainly white. this is one of the cultural night where the songs of sorrow are played, while people from the same republic are soaking themselves in vodka and caviar. the night upon which a crow come upon me, just like a fly coming upon the dead corpse. and so the crow came and took advantage, but hey, i had the last say in it. this memento was a dreamed desire by some young fellows in search of menage a trois, too bad the girls are not available.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
nationality
it is beyond doubt that i love america. i love the democracy and freedom offered by america. but would i ever let go of my nationality? does my love to america trespass my love for the land upon which i grew up, the land who brought me to america in the first place, the land where i spend my adolescence, the land upon which i rely to feed me? the basic misconception in america is that everyone who comes to america wants to be american. the basic single thing that lies within asian is their nationality and their love to their country, though a lot of them choose to change their nationality...
"therein lies the paradox".
"therein lies the paradox".
kyle and stephenie
how is it to lose contact with a family?
how does it feel to lose a best friend?
how do you build on a dream, a dream that was once shared and now shall be built alone?
how does one pass from memory to dreams?
five years,
five birthdays celebrated together,
five christmas with each family,
five holidays together,
and five times 365 days filled of communication...
how does one let go?
how do you forget, one who has filled every part of your heart,
every monument of your thoughts and feelings?
i should know the answer, don't i?
after all..i have been through all these...
maybe i have forgotten what i am capable of?
how does it feel to lose a best friend?
how do you build on a dream, a dream that was once shared and now shall be built alone?
how does one pass from memory to dreams?
five years,
five birthdays celebrated together,
five christmas with each family,
five holidays together,
and five times 365 days filled of communication...
how does one let go?
how do you forget, one who has filled every part of your heart,
every monument of your thoughts and feelings?
i should know the answer, don't i?
after all..i have been through all these...
maybe i have forgotten what i am capable of?
this year's raya
and i heard the takbir,
saying God's Almighty's name,
and the prophet's name,
to celebrate the winner's glory.
another year without glory...
another year without the sacrificial fasting,
another year alone.
this year,
i forgive once again they who have hurted me,
and i shall beg forgiveness for those that i have hurt.
and the memories came back again,
of all the families,
that has passed away,
they to whom i could not beg for forgiveness anymore,
they whom i could not see anymore.
and when my whole family is celebrating,
i, the faithful departed,
the great loser,
is alone in here....
saying God's Almighty's name,
and the prophet's name,
to celebrate the winner's glory.
another year without glory...
another year without the sacrificial fasting,
another year alone.
this year,
i forgive once again they who have hurted me,
and i shall beg forgiveness for those that i have hurt.
and the memories came back again,
of all the families,
that has passed away,
they to whom i could not beg for forgiveness anymore,
they whom i could not see anymore.
and when my whole family is celebrating,
i, the faithful departed,
the great loser,
is alone in here....
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
my bibi
bibi, mommy is here my dear. i will soothe your soft skin and put on the blanket to shield you from this cold boston weather. blue bibi, don't feel blue, for we have each other. bibi, i know i will never leave you, and you will never grow up. now let mommy tell you a story for tonight, the story of a wonderful world where you and i can both play by the grass and roll over day and night, and the ray on sun light is bathing in our face. where i will tickle you and we will laugh and giggle the whole day. then we will drink coke while we are sunbathing with our cool sunglassess on. i promise we will do that soon, my sweetheart.
but for now, we have to patient and content with boston and it's cold weather. we still have books to fulfill our dream. and we still have wonderful music to dream with. and we have the best companion possible to be found in this world. like your daddy- who took you from the orphanage, handpicked you and delivered you to me. you see bibi, besides the two of us, there are actually nice and kind people bibi.
i love you, my faithful companion. remain to witness all my journey.
but for now, we have to patient and content with boston and it's cold weather. we still have books to fulfill our dream. and we still have wonderful music to dream with. and we have the best companion possible to be found in this world. like your daddy- who took you from the orphanage, handpicked you and delivered you to me. you see bibi, besides the two of us, there are actually nice and kind people bibi.
i love you, my faithful companion. remain to witness all my journey.
Monday, October 09, 2006
invasion of privacy
today, i was reminded again of how invasion of privacy feels like. not good, that is one thing for sure. it arises dissapointment in other party, but all i can say is, if you are not ready for the truth, then don't come by looking for it.
what kind of a person does it take to invade one's privacy? a curious one? an unethical one? a worried one? one without enough time in one's hand? i guess it depends on the circumstances. even rightfully done, there still is a pang of pain that was left by the trespassing of the boundaries. we always create distance with one another. it takes a lot of time, trust and patience to shorten the distance. at least, that is how it is for me. when one pushed the time to become nearer to you, i feel they just suck the life out of you. i feel myself being washed away by hurt, anger and pain. i feel shameful and disgust.
i guess for those who knows the circumstances surrounding me, i just sow what i reap. and knowing how it felt, i know what to avoid the most.
what kind of a person does it take to invade one's privacy? a curious one? an unethical one? a worried one? one without enough time in one's hand? i guess it depends on the circumstances. even rightfully done, there still is a pang of pain that was left by the trespassing of the boundaries. we always create distance with one another. it takes a lot of time, trust and patience to shorten the distance. at least, that is how it is for me. when one pushed the time to become nearer to you, i feel they just suck the life out of you. i feel myself being washed away by hurt, anger and pain. i feel shameful and disgust.
i guess for those who knows the circumstances surrounding me, i just sow what i reap. and knowing how it felt, i know what to avoid the most.
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