time to change

jean pierre once told me that if you are given the same experience over and over again, it would mean that you haven't learned from that experience. i have made the amendment to change myself, to become better. to be much more organized, scheduled, and responsible.

i have been living my life like a spoiled brat, because everything comes so easy. when i look around, and see how hardworking people are, i should be ashamed. i have always been proud of how flexible i am, how unplanned i am, therefore i am so free spirited. i have no fear, i feel happy when i do extreme things, including anything related to criminally sanctioned actions. and i thought that is what it meant to be free spirited and fearless.

but i have to face my fear. i am so afraid to become one of the organized people, who thinks more than once before taking any action. because to me that is so unabridled and unabashed. but now, as i look back to how i behaved, all of this means nothing but sheer stupidity and childish views.

i thought that life with challenges and all wayward steps i am taking will be the kind of life that i would want to tell to my grandchildren someday...that i was a rebellion, that i was once a brave and free spirited girl. because if i live the live by the rules, i would not have anything in my life. that my life will only be a mediocre. but i realize, that i would only be a girl.

as much as i don't want to let go, it is time to change my view...why? maybe because i have become an adult. well maybe not yet... at least i am trying to understand the consequences of my act, before i do something now.

or is this simply a paradigm shift? whatever it is, this is an experience that changed my perspective and view. the most beautiful thing about human is that the always changes. just the way i have changed during my stay in here.

But God, is this the price that I have to pay for my lesson? Costly I would say, but I surrender everything to you. After all, only You, God- the one that has all the power. Please make this one work for me God. Please give me strength to change and become a better person each and every day.

a glimpse of me

and no, you can't untie the lace. just a small present for faithful reader.

hello my dear

hello my dear, i hope life is treating you well. life is fine with me. every single day i held my head up high. facing all the challenges that life has to offer. greeting everyone that i crossed path with. inhaling and exhaling the breath of life on the sunny side of the street.

and so my dear, it has been sometime since the last time we talked. no more midnight snacks, no more casual kisses in front of the library, and no more comfortable blue bed with red stripes blanket. for there is no more we.

well dear, it is no surprise that life just goes on the way you said it should be. our story ends the way you wanted it to be. you told me you would hurt me, and you did. you told me you are not ready, and you were not. but no hurt feelings and vengeance on my part. for you have thought me a lot.

and now, i see life and friendship in a different perspective. i am happy with all the small things that life throws in front of my face. i understood the value of friendship and relationship. and i am happy with my leagues of confidante as you are with yours.

i wish we could be friends, and i tried to. but trust is not there anymore. the present time changed me. and for me, as nice as you were, you are my past. there is no future for us- not even in the friendship term. for even in the present, we simply feel uncomfortable in our own skin when we are with each other. maybe time will change us, or maybe not. whatever may happens, i am looking forward to my future. and i wish you the best on your way to the future.

i know you won't miss me, for you have your league of confidante. list of persons that you love and will say they love you back. and i am only someone who loved you, more than any other person say. for you were once my world, my sun, my sky and my everything. and you will remain to be a fond memory. and knowing that you are well- i don't need to know what you are doing, where you are going, what you are up to- because i don't want to know. i herefore wish you all the luck.

the love i deserve

every woman deserve the love that she wants,
and i have never felt luckier in my life.
someone who makes me feel secure,
although he is the most gorgeous man that i have ever known.

i am grateful for my past relationship.
because i learn the most important thing in loving,
whatever happens,
never love someone else
more than you love yourself

and he surely is not a rebound guy.
i took all the time to take my grief alone.
took the time to mourn,
before i held my head up high,
to face another day in this life.

because no one deserves to be only a rebound,
and when i give my heart,
it will be solely for the person that i love.

sometimes i ask my self,
could i really deserve to be loved in such a way,
sometimes i feel guilty,
to have such a beautiful man,
such a perfection,
to be with me.

it was his soul,
that swept me off my feet,
a positive outlook,
who appreciates woman,
rather than seeing them as an object.

a man,
surrounded by admirers,
yet admires me.

a man,
who makes me feel complete.

If you forget me

If you forget me
by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing

You know how this is
if i look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if i touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, lights, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it is long and mad,
The wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine


(a poem for my beloved)