Bye

I don't want to share my heart out anymore.
Not to anyone.
So good bye,
And let me carry all the pain, laughter, sadness, and every fractures of emotion,
Alone.

After all,
We were all born alone,
and will die alone,
so just let me be by myself.

Good bye.

Military People

Some of you might know that whenever I really hate something, I am usually being tried with the same thing over and over. This time, it is with military people. My family has a hatred and hold grudges against anything related to military. Despite of the fact that my grandfather is a soldier ( hey, who isn't a soldier during the war for independence?)

I was never close with my grandfather, though I was beside him during his dying day. My grandfather was a captain with 7 children and a limited salary. Serving in that kind of world, where the male ego is always pumped, my grandmother tries to cover up for the daily expenses without bruising his ego. He is always fully served, and discipline is of main importance.

My grandfather lived with us for quite some year. He survived the independence war, the dutch and japanese colonization. He refused to bribe to work his way up the ladder. He didn't accept bribe- which resulted to the fact that most of his chidren was unable to continue to a higher education. Not to mention the fact that his background is unknown and added with his oriental looks- did not help him to go further in his carreer. It was so obvious that he was Chinese, so..no way to get into a higher rank.

Growing up, living with him is unbearable. Specific wake up time, specific praying time, it's all about discipline. Besides reading the holy book and pray at the specific time every single day..he always says the same advice over and over and over again.

"Practice makes perfect"
"Spoiled while young, Broke by the death time"

Good Lord! He manages my studying time, my TV time, and sleep at 9 pm every night. Besides his instruction, we never really talk. Seriously, the only time he talks is either instruction or advice. So, the last thing on my mind would be to be near or close with military people.

I hated military people so much that- once upon a time, when my ex-boyfriend wanted to enter the military academy- I told him I would dump him. I have this generalization that all this military people are so full of themselves and are way too proud and filled with their male ego, and most importantly- are stupid. When I dated the US Marine guy, I think my generalization is not quite true- though there is truth in my generalization. However, the dating experience strengthens my belief that I am not suitable with people with military background. Well, I met the US Air Force guy. Not to mention the fact when I found out that my friend in Indonesia just joined the military. Then along comes this Captain of Israel military- a fact that I found out after the third date. As if that is not enough, there is also this US Army girl that become one of my best friend.

Okay..no generalization. I promise. Now...no more military people..please?

OOOOhhh..Yesss

Your pink flesh,
is ripe,
and ready to be eaten.

I can see the veins,
and I know,
once you're in me,
I will be ultimately happy.

Oh, I love how you feel in my mouth,
As my taste bud feels the tasty part,
and my tongue enjoys the salty senses you offer.

Oh, how I have been longing for you,
and I can't wait to finish,
yet I slow down to enjoy what you offer,
Oh delicious pink salmon.....

YUMMMYYY...I am such a gastronomy wannabe...

My Dear Juniors

My dear Juniors,

This is a letter for all of you. I know how you all must be feeling right now. When something feels so rightfully to be yours, when something that you want badly, when something that you have worked your ass on day and night; is taken away from you. Believe me, I was there. It doesn't feel good. It feels terrible. You somehow question whether there is something wrong with you. You find it hard to believe and wish you could go back and undo whatever mistakes that you have done.

Don't let anyone or anything ever make you doubt yourself. You are perfect just the way you are. The fact that the trophy is not in your hand, does not make you any less perfect.

If you don't believe that, then you are also discrediting my credibility. I was once defeated by Alamo. Does that mean I am less smart than he is? Does that mean that I am no way better than he is?

It took a long time to swallow my pride, to stop questioning my ability, and to be able to look at him without being angry (if i can see the judges, it will take a long time too to be able to look at them and not punch them in the eye). But you know what? The only one who is being destroyed with all the anger and bitterness is me. As cliche as it sounds, let it go. I know it is easier said than done, but this is the best way.

I know you will be impeccable at the international rounds. I never lie. I will see you in DC. I love all of you.

Expectation

Everyone has an expectation. Sometimes, it's a big expectation. A lot of times, it's a positive expectation. But there are also times, when your expectation caught you and you didn't realize the reality that hits you. And if you are lucky, sometimes what happens is even greater than what you have expected. For those who hits correctly, their expectation becomes a reality.

My parents thought me different things. One expects only the best out of me, while the other one always puts me down to keep me grounded. Both did their best to protect me. It seems weird how people always seems to have a certain expectation of me. Looking back, I think I name my blog beyond expectation because I am sick with what other expects from me. A new beginning. Trying to find out about myself.

I took the wrong way in trying to know myself. I begin by listing down what people think about me. After so many attempts of classifying people's expectation of me, I was confused. Hell..anyone who tries to define themselves based on how people see them will be confused. Everyone seems to see different thing from me.

I expect myself to be someone big. I expect to have achievements. I expect myself to make a change. I expect myself to help others. I expect myself to have adventurous life.

What underlies all this expectation? What happens beyond this expectations? Fear? The want of recognition? Admiration? The need to do good? What if this is all there is? What if my life is just the way it is? What if this is the highest point in my life? Why do I keep on wanting more? What is it that I seek? Why do I keep on choosing the dangerous over the safe? Where does all this feelings and wanting stems from?

I am so confused.

Is it worth it?

I am in a dillema. I love US. I love Indonesia. Where do I want to live though? Financially, I will make much more money in Indonesia. In the term of friends, all my true and close friends are in Indonesia. Career wise, it is easier to climb up the ladder in Indonesia, especially with the background and connection that I have built.

The only thing that becomes a barrier for living in Indonesia is...my family, my religion, and the values. US on the other hand, is the land of possibilities. There is no barrier to become anything I want to be, as long as I focus. But it gets lonely in here. Everyone just works hard, it's all about being aggresive and showing your individuality. To get anywhere in the political and or career ladder, I have to work five times as hard. There is no shortcut. I have to rebuild everything.

I get bored easily. In US, I could do as many freelance as I want. US seems to be the land where I re-invent everything. But to stay here..is not as easy as it seems. There is a price to pay for it. That price is not cheap. I am thinking of marrying my best friend. He is a kind and trustworthy American man. My dream marriage has always been about the romantic proposal with all the long lasting monogamy thing. Is it worth it...to sacrifice one dream for another dream?