I aim for perfection.
Only in measurable terms.
I love taking tests.
I love the adrenaline rush.
I love being better than others.
But am I?
Does the fact that I get B means I'm stupid?
Does the fact that other people make less money makes them worth less?
No.
So what is it that I'm pursuing?
Self recognition.
As Hans Kelsen would make in his pyramid,
Human has different needs.
Basic or Primary human needs are food, shelter, and clothes.
In the tertiary levels there are socialization, education, and self recognition.
With me, my need for self-recognition is above all else.
I quantify everything.
I measure all in amounts.
Even feelings.
Including love.
But I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
They say love is about take and give.
Tell me if that statement is not quantifying in its very essence?
Why do people make tests?
To quantify things.
Survival of the fittest.
To be good in your test, preparation is needed.
You can't simply be good in one thing.
Overall, the averagae of what you are doing is taken into account.
The fact that i'm taking tests and quantify things makes me a mediocre.
The fact that I will excell in almost everything that I do, makes me perfect.
Survival of the fittest,
Homo homini lupus,
Man are animal to each other.
Tell me what's wrong with that?
As long as i play along fairly,
as long as i play by the rules,
the fact that I do more than average for my perfection-
I absolutely true.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
New York
Somewhere in Manhattan, Ocotber 22, 2005.
New York again.
Alone again.
Stranded again.
Incapacitated again.
Vulnerable again.
Waiting again.
Amazing people again.
But again, I'm the one who keeps on asking for more.
again and agian.
New York again.
Alone again.
Stranded again.
Incapacitated again.
Vulnerable again.
Waiting again.
Amazing people again.
But again, I'm the one who keeps on asking for more.
again and agian.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Lovely scents
oh, the scent i love...
1. the smell of clean laundry
2. soil just poured down by the rain
3. sugar
4. jasmine
5. ginger
6. rose
7. baby skin
8. aftershave, in the neck, beneath the ears
9. freshly baked bread
10. peppermint
11. cocoa
12. avocado
1. the smell of clean laundry
2. soil just poured down by the rain
3. sugar
4. jasmine
5. ginger
6. rose
7. baby skin
8. aftershave, in the neck, beneath the ears
9. freshly baked bread
10. peppermint
11. cocoa
12. avocado
Monday, October 10, 2005
dear Beloved
dearly Beloved,
here is your blessing-and there it goes again.
dearly beloved, i know i am never lonely because you are always here with me. then why do i feel so lonely? love, why has love becomes so hard? when did i became a capitalist requesting being loved in return? love, why do i complicate everything, like the necessity of relationship and the necessity of finding an adam for the eve inside me?
love, why do i flee unto Thee?
my love, nothing really matters without you and your blessings by myside. love, am i that terrible that everyone rejects my love? my love, are my friends telling me the truth when they say if i want to be loved-don't be myself? love, why do i long for another love if your love is even bigger? love, why i am i so stupid? love, am i being ungrateful?
you are there in the ruins of the heart.
love, are you ruining my heart so i would knowthat i could find a treasure beneath it? has it been ruined enough, love? or, am i simply too ignorant to treasure you beneath all this ruin.
love, why do everyone says i'm beautiful? love, why do people love my smile? love, why do people think i'm smart? love, why do people easily want to sleep with me? love, are all these blessings? because sometime this brings great sufferings. so great, i wish i never feel it in the first place love. love, i am sorry for not striving for excellence with all the gifts you have given me. i made a mistake once-attempting to end this journey of yearning. ignoring all these festivities you have made for you in me.
love, if i am candle, for who does all this fire burning for? love, if i am a hand, for whose hands to hold? love, if i am heart, for who does this heart beats? love, if i am a fish, why can't i feel the water? tell me if it is not you love. you are everywhere-but i am blinded. i only want to see you in a fixed form.
love, this life is a big dance and festivities. and no matter where i turn, it is you that i turn to. love, shall i keep on exchanging partners until you are in my arms again? i don't want another dance, love. i am tired.
love, take me. take me to your eternal loving. lift this suffering. stop this beat. the party is over for me a long time ago. love, dance with me. only me. just you and me is where i want to be. love, i yearn for you. i long for you.
love, why is the waiting so long? i have the sense it won't be for too long. i have taken all available momentarily poison. fly me far away. far and away. i know you are listening to me, love. i can't see you, and i long to feel you. i hardly know you, love-but i will never forget you, love. i am finding my way home, love.
love, let me love you, and only you. don't let me be ashtray. let me run and emerge to your ocean of love. love, i know you are beauty and you love to be known. and so i dedicate this for you, my love. dearly beloved, never would i love other more than i love you. and don't you ever let me forget that, love. this breath, this soul, this body, is all that i can give to you. although you know that it is already yours in the beginning. when the beginning is the end, there should we together again, love.
here is your blessing-and there it goes again.
dearly beloved, i know i am never lonely because you are always here with me. then why do i feel so lonely? love, why has love becomes so hard? when did i became a capitalist requesting being loved in return? love, why do i complicate everything, like the necessity of relationship and the necessity of finding an adam for the eve inside me?
love, why do i flee unto Thee?
my love, nothing really matters without you and your blessings by myside. love, am i that terrible that everyone rejects my love? my love, are my friends telling me the truth when they say if i want to be loved-don't be myself? love, why do i long for another love if your love is even bigger? love, why i am i so stupid? love, am i being ungrateful?
you are there in the ruins of the heart.
love, are you ruining my heart so i would knowthat i could find a treasure beneath it? has it been ruined enough, love? or, am i simply too ignorant to treasure you beneath all this ruin.
love, why do everyone says i'm beautiful? love, why do people love my smile? love, why do people think i'm smart? love, why do people easily want to sleep with me? love, are all these blessings? because sometime this brings great sufferings. so great, i wish i never feel it in the first place love. love, i am sorry for not striving for excellence with all the gifts you have given me. i made a mistake once-attempting to end this journey of yearning. ignoring all these festivities you have made for you in me.
love, if i am candle, for who does all this fire burning for? love, if i am a hand, for whose hands to hold? love, if i am heart, for who does this heart beats? love, if i am a fish, why can't i feel the water? tell me if it is not you love. you are everywhere-but i am blinded. i only want to see you in a fixed form.
love, this life is a big dance and festivities. and no matter where i turn, it is you that i turn to. love, shall i keep on exchanging partners until you are in my arms again? i don't want another dance, love. i am tired.
love, take me. take me to your eternal loving. lift this suffering. stop this beat. the party is over for me a long time ago. love, dance with me. only me. just you and me is where i want to be. love, i yearn for you. i long for you.
love, why is the waiting so long? i have the sense it won't be for too long. i have taken all available momentarily poison. fly me far away. far and away. i know you are listening to me, love. i can't see you, and i long to feel you. i hardly know you, love-but i will never forget you, love. i am finding my way home, love.
love, let me love you, and only you. don't let me be ashtray. let me run and emerge to your ocean of love. love, i know you are beauty and you love to be known. and so i dedicate this for you, my love. dearly beloved, never would i love other more than i love you. and don't you ever let me forget that, love. this breath, this soul, this body, is all that i can give to you. although you know that it is already yours in the beginning. when the beginning is the end, there should we together again, love.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Passionate Exchanging
drinks are the best aphrosidiac for me.
i just love the tingling sense in every sensual nerves sending phyromones all over my body.
i love the numbness of mind. i love the heat transferring all over my body.
i love the way something other than my conscious self taking over.
happiness sending signal through my giggles and smiles
warmth being transferred by my rosy cheeks.
and then, i long to be touched.
i long to be caressed. i long to love.
i long for a comfy and trustworthy place to confide in.
longing to dance with a partner who can lead me.
longing to move in a passionate exchanging.
i wish to express my deepest thoughts.
i wish to be revealed and be naked from all the secrets.
i remember some long nights i spent with him.
we were drunk with the wine of life.
we went skinny dipping in a beach in the island of gods.
then we enjoyed our hot bubble baths together.
again we enjoyed the drink of life.
we caressed each other-
and our body fits together
we breath the same air-
i felt his hearbeat next to mine.
and i feel his hands touching me.
and i touched his delicate skin.
my hands were going through his hair.
i kissed his forehead to kiss away all the thoughts of this nation that he has been thinking all alone.
for once, let them fly away for a minute-for they will still be there when you come back.
i kissed his lips.
for i dont know any other words to express the love i'm feeling for him.
for all this lips has done for living. for how this very same lips has uttered so many guidance for me and protected me.
and that is when he finds my breast.
his maternal longing-for a place to run away.
for a place where words aren't needed. for a place to be a child once more-because his power is dreadful and majestic that he can't afford to be a child in front of the public.
and he rests his head on my tummy. imagining the fetus that he wishes i would carry for him. for he wants an embodiment of our love.
my love-i know you, more than anyone else. then why can't you be mine? why can't you love me and love me only. why can't forever be our words?
oh darling, let me carry all this burden for you. this heart is big enough to contain all your worries and pain. i cannot see you with all this burden. what wouldn't i do for you? my heart pangs in a silence that was never uttered in words.
and his phone rings. the vice president called him. again i must sacrifice for the sake of this nation. again he must leave. he kissed my eyes-"you are a witness of a warrior's fight for this country. a fight that many times are misunderstood". in the darkness in the middle of night he dresses up. and i make up my best smile. i light up the candle. for i want him to go to his fight without additional worries for myself. i want him to know that i am strong enough to be left alone. therefore i light the candle. i want him only to see my smile, not my eyes. for my eyes cant hide this feeling. and i don't want him to find out. and i lie awake and naked in the bed while watching him taking his hugo boss suit. and started wearing his hugo boss shirt- so well tailored they are. especially designed for my lover. he takes his piaget watch lying next to the candle. he kissed my forehead, as if he's kissing away all of my worries.
i dutifuly escorted him to the living room, where he begin wearing his bally shoes. i lit up the cigarette in both his lips and mine. and he wearily smiles. i felt his effortlessly charm. i said goodnight to him. i updated him with improvements on income statement of a driving range he owns and which i am currently reviewing. i told him that another 3 billion is already transferred to my account that he owns. i told him that i have found lawyers to help his private firm. i gave him all publications regarding him that was recently published.
my living room is filled with smokes from cigarette. and he called for his chauffeur. the chauffeur quickly arrives. be good darling, he says. and he left. and i continued smoking. alone and lonely in my living room. i walked towards the room and blow out the candle and my phone rang. did you left something darling, i asked him. yes, he said, i left something for you. find a newspaper on the couch in the living room he said. i hope you're not offended with my gift, love, he said. thank you, i replied. i love you darling,don't get too tired, i said. love you too, he said.and i went to the living room. found a grand inside of the newspaper.
all i want is his love for me. he cant give time, love, space or physical existence for me. what else can he give for his lover? the only woman who can speak in the same term of intelligence, values, sophistication-yet is still in the peak of her beauty and filled with love that is only chanelled to him. a lover who admires and would kiss the ground beneath his feet-the devotion and admiration that he has been seeking all his life. a lover who he never sees imperfect. and he just cant hold her. and he loves her so. oh so much. but not in the way that she wants to be loved. so he continues to love her by giving the only means in which she does not have. in the only means in which she is more than her.
and i loved him so. and i was drunk in this wine of live and love.
i just love the tingling sense in every sensual nerves sending phyromones all over my body.
i love the numbness of mind. i love the heat transferring all over my body.
i love the way something other than my conscious self taking over.
happiness sending signal through my giggles and smiles
warmth being transferred by my rosy cheeks.
and then, i long to be touched.
i long to be caressed. i long to love.
i long for a comfy and trustworthy place to confide in.
longing to dance with a partner who can lead me.
longing to move in a passionate exchanging.
i wish to express my deepest thoughts.
i wish to be revealed and be naked from all the secrets.
i remember some long nights i spent with him.
we were drunk with the wine of life.
we went skinny dipping in a beach in the island of gods.
then we enjoyed our hot bubble baths together.
again we enjoyed the drink of life.
we caressed each other-
and our body fits together
we breath the same air-
i felt his hearbeat next to mine.
and i feel his hands touching me.
and i touched his delicate skin.
my hands were going through his hair.
i kissed his forehead to kiss away all the thoughts of this nation that he has been thinking all alone.
for once, let them fly away for a minute-for they will still be there when you come back.
i kissed his lips.
for i dont know any other words to express the love i'm feeling for him.
for all this lips has done for living. for how this very same lips has uttered so many guidance for me and protected me.
and that is when he finds my breast.
his maternal longing-for a place to run away.
for a place where words aren't needed. for a place to be a child once more-because his power is dreadful and majestic that he can't afford to be a child in front of the public.
and he rests his head on my tummy. imagining the fetus that he wishes i would carry for him. for he wants an embodiment of our love.
my love-i know you, more than anyone else. then why can't you be mine? why can't you love me and love me only. why can't forever be our words?
oh darling, let me carry all this burden for you. this heart is big enough to contain all your worries and pain. i cannot see you with all this burden. what wouldn't i do for you? my heart pangs in a silence that was never uttered in words.
and his phone rings. the vice president called him. again i must sacrifice for the sake of this nation. again he must leave. he kissed my eyes-"you are a witness of a warrior's fight for this country. a fight that many times are misunderstood". in the darkness in the middle of night he dresses up. and i make up my best smile. i light up the candle. for i want him to go to his fight without additional worries for myself. i want him to know that i am strong enough to be left alone. therefore i light the candle. i want him only to see my smile, not my eyes. for my eyes cant hide this feeling. and i don't want him to find out. and i lie awake and naked in the bed while watching him taking his hugo boss suit. and started wearing his hugo boss shirt- so well tailored they are. especially designed for my lover. he takes his piaget watch lying next to the candle. he kissed my forehead, as if he's kissing away all of my worries.
i dutifuly escorted him to the living room, where he begin wearing his bally shoes. i lit up the cigarette in both his lips and mine. and he wearily smiles. i felt his effortlessly charm. i said goodnight to him. i updated him with improvements on income statement of a driving range he owns and which i am currently reviewing. i told him that another 3 billion is already transferred to my account that he owns. i told him that i have found lawyers to help his private firm. i gave him all publications regarding him that was recently published.
my living room is filled with smokes from cigarette. and he called for his chauffeur. the chauffeur quickly arrives. be good darling, he says. and he left. and i continued smoking. alone and lonely in my living room. i walked towards the room and blow out the candle and my phone rang. did you left something darling, i asked him. yes, he said, i left something for you. find a newspaper on the couch in the living room he said. i hope you're not offended with my gift, love, he said. thank you, i replied. i love you darling,don't get too tired, i said. love you too, he said.and i went to the living room. found a grand inside of the newspaper.
all i want is his love for me. he cant give time, love, space or physical existence for me. what else can he give for his lover? the only woman who can speak in the same term of intelligence, values, sophistication-yet is still in the peak of her beauty and filled with love that is only chanelled to him. a lover who admires and would kiss the ground beneath his feet-the devotion and admiration that he has been seeking all his life. a lover who he never sees imperfect. and he just cant hold her. and he loves her so. oh so much. but not in the way that she wants to be loved. so he continues to love her by giving the only means in which she does not have. in the only means in which she is more than her.
and i loved him so. and i was drunk in this wine of live and love.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
The Days at Garrisson
1. The trip
After an exhausting five hour drive, I finally arrived at New York. I took a cab to an expensive hotel with a military bunk bed and shared bathroom. Upon entering the room, I watched Malcolm X biography and went to sleep. I woke up at noon, and before heading up to Union Station I had lunch and wander around Broadway Street. I found Malcolm X biography, bought it and finished reading it within a day.
I met my ex-boyfriend in front of a yellow ferrari in the middle of Union Station. We bought the ticket to Garrison, had coffee at Starbucks and hit the train. A bus was waiting for us at Garrison, we head off to Garrisson Institute.
2. Garrisson Institute
Garrisson Institute is wonderful. A castle used as a convent 100 years ago, with the view of Hudson River, around the forest- what more could I expect. The air is amazingly fresh, the water is nice and the room is great.
I met with a lot of people who are fine and secure of who they are. They are nice and accept me as a family. After months of hipocryte surrounding, i found this surrounding as heaven. I was welcomed with smiles, carresses and hugs. I feel that I have found my long lost family.
3. Greetings
"welcome, and you are welcomed as you are"
I almost cried when I hear that words. For once after these exhausting months, I don't have to pretend that I am a strong, ambitious woman. For once I am taken as I am.
4. Friends
I quickly found my gang, the smoking gang. There I was with a male nurse from California, an IT person from San Diego, a businessman from Wisconsin and an IT couple from Toronto. We all chatted about the real world and our dearly beloved with the same enthusiasm.
Besides that, I really like this Jewish cool Grandma from New Jersey, and a yoga teacher from Ontario. I love them all, they have passed so many tests of life yet are so humble. Wh quickly became united for our same love towards the dearly beloved.
5. Entertainment Heaven
We saw a movie from a movie festival in Toronto, and the director came along!!!She told the procedure on making the movie. After that we saw the dancing and whirling from Turkey and music from Persia. OH HOW I LOVE ALL OF THIS!!! Everyday, we read poems devoted to ourselves and our dearly Beloved. After each of the artsy days, which ended with a wonderful vegetarian meal, I went to the jacuzzi and had a hot bath.
Above all, I came home with positive energy and am looking forward to seek my dearly Beloved in myself in every single breath that I take. Love, I won't fly unto thee this time. I have heard your calling and have called back this time. I thank you for all the mercy and love that you have showered me with all these years. Keep showering me with your love. I submit completely to you with complete surrender and receptivity. I want to be as receiptive as Mary is to have the birth of Jesus to my soul. Whether or not we reach the union, love is an unconditional term. I will keep on loving you, for without you nothing really worths in this contemporaneous world.
your love, lover and beloved.
After an exhausting five hour drive, I finally arrived at New York. I took a cab to an expensive hotel with a military bunk bed and shared bathroom. Upon entering the room, I watched Malcolm X biography and went to sleep. I woke up at noon, and before heading up to Union Station I had lunch and wander around Broadway Street. I found Malcolm X biography, bought it and finished reading it within a day.
I met my ex-boyfriend in front of a yellow ferrari in the middle of Union Station. We bought the ticket to Garrison, had coffee at Starbucks and hit the train. A bus was waiting for us at Garrison, we head off to Garrisson Institute.
2. Garrisson Institute
Garrisson Institute is wonderful. A castle used as a convent 100 years ago, with the view of Hudson River, around the forest- what more could I expect. The air is amazingly fresh, the water is nice and the room is great.
I met with a lot of people who are fine and secure of who they are. They are nice and accept me as a family. After months of hipocryte surrounding, i found this surrounding as heaven. I was welcomed with smiles, carresses and hugs. I feel that I have found my long lost family.
3. Greetings
"welcome, and you are welcomed as you are"
I almost cried when I hear that words. For once after these exhausting months, I don't have to pretend that I am a strong, ambitious woman. For once I am taken as I am.
4. Friends
I quickly found my gang, the smoking gang. There I was with a male nurse from California, an IT person from San Diego, a businessman from Wisconsin and an IT couple from Toronto. We all chatted about the real world and our dearly beloved with the same enthusiasm.
Besides that, I really like this Jewish cool Grandma from New Jersey, and a yoga teacher from Ontario. I love them all, they have passed so many tests of life yet are so humble. Wh quickly became united for our same love towards the dearly beloved.
5. Entertainment Heaven
We saw a movie from a movie festival in Toronto, and the director came along!!!She told the procedure on making the movie. After that we saw the dancing and whirling from Turkey and music from Persia. OH HOW I LOVE ALL OF THIS!!! Everyday, we read poems devoted to ourselves and our dearly Beloved. After each of the artsy days, which ended with a wonderful vegetarian meal, I went to the jacuzzi and had a hot bath.
Above all, I came home with positive energy and am looking forward to seek my dearly Beloved in myself in every single breath that I take. Love, I won't fly unto thee this time. I have heard your calling and have called back this time. I thank you for all the mercy and love that you have showered me with all these years. Keep showering me with your love. I submit completely to you with complete surrender and receptivity. I want to be as receiptive as Mary is to have the birth of Jesus to my soul. Whether or not we reach the union, love is an unconditional term. I will keep on loving you, for without you nothing really worths in this contemporaneous world.
your love, lover and beloved.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
