male magazine

i am trying to stop reading female magazine,
such as in style, vogue, cosmopolitan and seventeen (for the teenager in me, i guess)
why? because i found out that all these magazines are not informative at all. filled with advertisement only, this would only bring out the shopaholic side of me out even more than before. everything is filled with how to look better and how to please your men. it seems to emphasize and you could not just be yourself, but you always have to be better, because being yourself is not good enough. bigger breast, tighter butt, luscious lips-what is being emphasized is just different. shop more, more make-ups, more bags, more outfits- to follow the current trends-although you can live without all that.

if you compare female magazines with male magazines, you can clearly see the different priorities and emphasize being put in sexuality. male magazines are much more emphasized on what is going to make them happy, the latest music, the current clubs, the hottest restaurant, the new drinks. But above all that, the feature is more on friendship and biography of successfull people. Most important of all, is the political contents. Of course, women are always included in those magazines. However, these women are not the centre of the magazine. They are not the headlines, although they are there. They exist, but simply are not that important. Magazines with male as their targeted consumer, was even able to make women not to be as important as how female magazines emphasized and centered their focus on men.

i found out the more i read female magazines, the worse i feel about myself. they make me feel fat, notice my pimples, and make me look pathetic because i don't have a boyfriend. whereas whenever i read male magazines, they seem to open my eyes to the wonder of the world, that there are much more important thing than improving myself physically.

but of course, i am not talking about all male or female magazines in here. only the one that i mostly read.

never eat alone

i hate that book with the title of "never eat alone",
because i was fine with being alone,
and eating alone,
until that book come in the way,
that seems to make being alone to be the biggest misery in life,
not to mention in one of the series of friends,
the guy who had a crush on rachel,
suddenly doesn't want to date her because she eats alone.
why is it that being alone be protrayed as a curse?
why?
but i guess the bigger question is why am i believing this myth?
there is nothing wrong with being alone, i have supposed so..
and i should continue believing that.

briana

briana thinks that she could not handle her problems anymore,
and she does not want to go on living her live.
briana starts college a few months ago,
and lives with her mom.
briana hates her mom with all her heart,
and all she might.
it took the whole floor of the place we live in to lie about her whereabouts to her mother.
briana sometimes hangs out with her father,
whom i see almost every day.
and i was sometimes deluded to think that she is actually happy.
what i don't know about briana,
is despite of the cute freckles on her face,
despite of all the laughter that she shares with me,
and despite of every jokes she told me,
she persistently tries to end her life,
again and again.

it is amazing how we could see someone everyday, share our time together, and live in the same space 24/7, and yet- never really know who a person really is. what i later found out about briana was her confinement into her room after the slashes on her wrist increased in number. and a few days later, everyone packs her belongings in the middle of the night. i still don't know her whereabouts, i don't even know whether or not she's still alive. but i do not downplay her problems. i do not look down at her. i am proud of her. for whatever happens, she follows her heart.

this is when i stopped wanting to know what other person are really like. if they care enough to share their feelings, thought, and secret with you, then you should give the full attention to what they are saying. value the time that other people spent with you, for you might never know how long it will last, it may be the last conversation you will have with that person. do not withhold grudges or feelings. say what you want to say, and mean what you say. never take things for granted. never...because no matter how much time you spent with someone, the time you spend without that someone is always longer. togetherness is temporary, separation is definite and permanent.

problems

somehow, we always think that our problems are the greatest. that is when we fail to see the whole picture, the failure to see our connection with other human beings. human learns by comparison, they compare things with each other. and when human concentrate in his being as an individual, they fail to see what others are facing.

i thought that my life is filled with drama, that i have faced more problems than any other person of my age could face. of course, in some part it is true, if i compare myself with my other fellow colleagues. but when a whole new conection with people from different backgrounds were opened to me, i found out how small my problem is compared to them. but that doesn't mean that i do not have a problem.

so then again, in here perspective comes into play- my problem is bigger than the world, compared to the people that i hang out with, but is nothing compared with the people i met a few months ago. sad to say, by comparing myself with other who have greater trouble, i find solace, knowing that i am better off than the rest of the world. does that make me a bad person? again, in my humble perspective, i do not think so. for as far as i am concerned, after knowing such that other people's problem, what i do is to help them. and some of them, do say that i have been helpful. in a way, we are intertangled to each other, they give me strength with my problems, and i apparently, at least according to what they say, am helpful to them.

moving on

new steps,
new breadth,
new beginning,

relationship is not about who you can live with,
but more about who you can live without.

love is not just about who you are in to,
but also about who is into you.

september 1,
as promised,
is my time to move out,
and move on.

i will live by my word.
no more past lingering,
close out every possible communication.

the closure is finished,
and from now on,
only new beginning will happen.

roller coaster

so until a few days ago i was living in a house that belongs to bob and debbie,
for...a month.
where everything is clean, crisp, and green,
where food flows like river,
and love is available like air that you can always breathe.
where babies laughter is the music that you wake up to,
and the barking of a dog is what you sleep with.
a house filled with childhood memories,
(though not my childhood, for sure).
where every evening i can feel the breeze of air,
when the moon starts showing.
where i can see stars shining brightly,
i the deep blue sky.

and now i am in cambridge,
in a space that seems to say "single and available" outloud.
where you can feel a presence of a man,
although the man is not around.
where i am surrounded by the metal utilities in the kitchen,
different kind of a kitchen that would be used by a woman.
and you can feel the hardwood in the steps that you make...
where memories are just about to be created,
nothing from the past personal live is available,
no photos, no cards, no letters...
this place is unhaunted by the ghost from the past,
this place is a new beginning.
after all,
this place belongs to a male,
no feminine, lovey-dovey and sentimental thing around,
everything in here serves a purpose,
no messing around...
the journey to the whole apartment is quick,
you're either in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom...
no grey area,
that's what i like,
no middle thing,
you're either here or there,
and it shows a very efficient and fast paced way of living.
in one trip, you will have all the experience,
one in all...
but i love being here,
this is a test for me to remain in the moment,
when everything else seems to move so fast forward.
being in here,
it seems like there is no past and no future,
what you have is now,
and only now.

and in a few days,
i will be moving to a space,
that has two small windows,
and to reach that place,
you have to go through steep stairs,
until you reach the jungle of dust and books,
unorganized and scattered around,
as if hurricane just came and went,
uninvited,
until you reach a space,
and within that space i will stay,
until when i do not know,
but i have a feeling that i will be spending a lot of time in there,
alone,
contemplating,
and i shall have a lot of books before i move in,
knowing that i will not go out of my space for a long time.

i guess my roller coaster is going around this week,
not that there is any particular ups and downs simply because of where the roller coaster is,
but rathere the passenger is the most important thing.
it doesn't matter where my roller coaster goes,
how many ups and downs that i have to face,
its the sound that other passenger makes,
the tightened hand helding mine,
that is what matters most...

i'll be there

soon,
i will be back.
soon.
wait for me.
though i doubt anyone is waiting.

debbie

i miss debbie so,
and i can feel her heart,
within my heart,
as i saw myself grew further away from her,
step by step,
until we are thousand miles away.

and tell me how am i supposed not to miss her,
when her bright smile was the way i started my day.
tell my heart not to remember her,
because her love is the only unconditional love that this heart has ever known.
and tell these eyes not to shed more tears everytime i remember her face,
for her face glows with the motherly beauty.

my dear debbie,
in you,
i found strength without violence,
i found love in acceptance,
and i found faith in persistence.

i wish i could say that in you i find my soulmate,
but a soul as beautiful as yours could not be compared with mine,
though we have a lot in common,
i can only say that i am your admirer...

and debbie,
thanks to you,
i feel that i am enough,
i no longer seek for love from others,
your love made me feel enough.

i love you unconditionally.
forever.

and if i might not contact you as often enough, please know that sometime my heart can bear not to be near you. never think that i forgot you, for you are always in my heart, mind and soul...

if this is goodbye

my dear,
if this is goodbye,
i want you to know that i loved you,
and i still do,
don't ever let me forget to say that you,
for if i would never see you again,
at least i have said all the unspoken feelings that i feel for you.

if this is goodbye,
then let me kiss you one more time,
just a kiss for me to remember by,
when the cold nights come,
at least the lingering thought of your lips,
will keep me going on for yet another second.

if this is goodbye,
please know that i am happy that our live has somehow intertwined,
though we are not meant to be any longer.

and dear,
if this is goodbye,
please know that you will be in my prayers and thoughts,
but i can't promise that to be forever,
jsut as time passes by,
and season changes,
what i can say is for now only,
and i know,
although my heart and soul will be immensely tortured,
that our goodbye happens for a reason.

philo+sophia

been drawn to the quest of life and gaining the benefit of reason and experience of torture that souls brings. remembering some days when i used to discuss kierkegaard, plato, aristoteles, nietsczhe, jung, arabi every single hour. i am searching for a laid back sparing partner in philosophy, although i prefer talking about phsychology lately. the problem is, i am not comfortable discussing my point of view and ways of understanding with other people, especially if the topic is world history, politics and philosophy. i don't know why. some people thinks that i am just humble. but i am just secretive with this side of me. as far as i am concerned, only 3 people knows this side of me. i could suddenly become an angry bull when defending what i believe, i think that's because i don't believe in too many things. some part of me is just afraid to open up to other people, because this is a part that i treasure most, a part that i found in my solitude, through a long process of thought and confusion and emotion, and i want to share it with someone who would really be drawn into this realm. a lot of people got scared when this happens, and i ensure not to share this part in an early stage of relationship. note that i said relationship, not friendship- just by the mere fact that i have never shared any..seriously..none of this with any of my friend. but some people find me highly attractive, or in the precise word..sexy when i do this. maybe because the intimacy that it creates, maybe because we were drawn into the world of our own, maybe because our battle of words symbolizes the act of making love. i think that is all true. well..i think this is just my nerdy side. but, for now i simply accept the part that i am somewhat an intellectual.

lisa simpson

i could never understand the simpsons. to me they are simply weird and bizzare. the only character that i identify and sympathize with is lisa. it must be hard living a life as a middle child. with a sibling to live up to, and no spoilt treatment as the youngest one have. it is amazing how different lisa and bart could be, though they are born in the same household with the same parents raising them. and so, facing her dissapointment with Homer and annoyance with Bart, she becomes a loner. the most important period in her adolescence life would be isolating herself in her room. but heck, she is good in everything that she does. in studies, in music..simply an overachiever. i wonder what will happen to lisa if she ever get to graduate school. i think lisa is my idol as much as i idolize hillary clinton. i believe in hard work and good work ethics. i believe that hard work always pays. which ultimately leads me to believe that there is no gain if there is no pain. and i keep on creating pain, just to make sure that i gain something. if your life has always been about hardwork, there is a sense of disbelief and guilt if you got struck by luck. i wonder where all the ambition comes from, does it stems from the craving of attention, or for self approval of always wanting to be the best in everything, or simply driven by a dream to be fulfilled? i wonder whetehr lisa do all her work and music simply to run away from the reality at home, or was it to gain self approval to herself, i don't know.. what i do know is that i like lisa, for what she does, although i don't know who she is.

i have an image of a vagina buried to a character's face. and the image keeps on flashing to my mind.is this my defense mechanism to accept a fact? perhaps. i don't know what to do, but to write down my feelings, analyze the source, and face it. every time the image comes, i feel a sudden disgust. and a feeling of not belonging to such fact. maybe i should just think of it as a beauty, of a surrendering act. maybe that means that i should unblock my resistance of receiving oral sex. or maybe this image means that i should try to accept the fact that i have a vagina. until then, i should just life with the maybes.

max

max is a big english bulldog. he has brown hair, and white hair on his chest. i like to rub him, because he is soooo soft. i like to touch him on his neck, but i recently found out that he likes to be touched on his belly and hands. so, two days ago.... our relationship was taken to a higher level, when we held hands. i was sooo happy, because he trusted me to hold his hands.. which is a very very rare occassion. as he lays down, hinting that he wants to be rubbed on the tummy, i run my hands through the hair on his tummy. i bumped through what i think are moles, but later found out from the coordination are... nipples... and there are a lot of them!! I have never seen anything with more than 2 nipples?! well maybe i have, no, not a man with 3 nipples, i have seen cows and goats, but never ACTUALLY touched it... i counted the number of nipples that he has, but they were quite hard to be found, because they were scattered around and hidden by the hair. i am quite sure there are more than four though. yesterday, he was sitting, and i rubbed his tummy. he seems to only have neck and tummy, i have trouble telling between chest and tummy. so i took it for granted that everything he has is tummy. he always begin to bark out loud when i touched his tummy. to my surprise, when i asked max's mommy, that would meaaaannnnnn....that... he...is... HORNY i was shocked to know that... that would mean that i have gone below the tummy part way too low.. i can't believe the possibility of me turning on a dog. in borat words..helping him have sexy time explosion and as kyle in south park would say...making dogs have red rocket to later have milk. i may have the same IQ as borat or kyle. which, to me... is perfectly fine. p.s. author does not in any way resembles the appearance of borat or kyle, though some of her actions are as stupid and goofy as both character. p.p.s. author and max relationship has reached a steady relationship, they occasionally held hands and max continoulsy tickles and licks her. Author does not wish to share more information on other part.

in finding faith

i have spoken to people who gave me insight about myself, thoughtful, caring people, whose spirit uplifted mine. across the globe, in each continent, i found individuals, whose souls has suffered and survived. i found out that i had and have faith. none of which rooted from my own self. i had faith in my religion, but suffered from guilt and conviction. i had faith in what i was doing, only to find out that whatever it was that i have done, did not satisfy me. i had faith in my family, but such faith only creates pain. i had faith in my friends, but i simply suffer from one dissapointment to another. in this time of mourning and grief, someone told me he is jealous, for now i have opened a new chapter in my life. for now it means that i would leave my fucked up way of living. for now that i don't know what else to do, i lose whatever old faith and belief that i had, and found a new blank page to write. i am new. but that does not mean that i became different. the new thing about me, is only a chapter in my life. i shall begin this new chapter with a new faith. i am trying to have faith in myself. having faith that i can accept myself as i am. after all, the most important faith is to yourself. the rest will come. for now, i am happy with my new faith.