What Happened to Me

What happened to me this week is not much.

1. As usual, the suicidal feeling comes once in a while.
   
2. My ex called and sends big kisses along with some I love you's. Not in a lover term i bet. Somehow we are just like soulmate. We have so many resemblances. Our animal instinct are just so strong. Yet, we are not civilized enough to love each other in a loving manner. If we stick for too long, we begin hurting each other.
3. A former one night stand contacted me through mail. He wanted to know what's going on with my life. The fact that he told me he have some pictures of me really bothered me.
4. Another ex called. They always do that. When I finally walked out of their life, they begin telling me that they want me back. Why can't you treat me well when I was with you?This time he comes with a wedding proposal. No. I simply cant. I've told every single ex of mine that there would be no point of return. I warned them time and time, and they always thought I was bluffing. Too bad, but it's too late.
   
5. The guy that I am in love with still has no clue what he wants from me. And, i was bluntly being honest. I need terms and conditions. I can't wait forever. Three months has passed. And, i think in another three months, he still would still not have a clue of what he wants from me. But somehow I feel that before it hits another three months, I will be walking out. I don't think I can take the pain of seeing him sharing his self with another while I am saving my self for him.
   
6. Cancelled dinner proposals from people who wanted to date me, rejected phone calls- I am simply too tired to keep other guys in my radar. I don't have time for it. I am in love right now, and that is more than enough to handle. I really don't need other man to date or to sleep with. They are just not worth it. What worts more than love? I don't to be unjust to other people who has good faith in dating me but I simply am not with them when I am with them. I will begin dating if I want to be with them. Which would mean, when I am not in love with another guy. Don't worry fellas, it's for your own sake.
   
7. i have to reignite my sense of dream and purpose, and stop being a potato couch. I am here to reach for my stars. Damn it, how can I do it if i dont even have a dream?
   
8. happy thanksgiving. to all the turkeys, i hope you are happy to finally meet the Unknown.
   

Waiting

How long would I wait until I finally give up?
How far would I go until I finally stop?
How much of myself would I give until I finally say no?

I am waiting for all of these questions to be answered.
Until then, I will wait.
I have a very high tolerance to pain.
Yet, I suffer and am a fighter.
As with every other pain and unpleasant experiences,
I file them.
I keep them.
As a memory.
In my heart, as well as my mind.
And I will take it.

But it will only be a ticking bomb.
One day, I will explode.
And together with the explosion,
I will give and spill all the memories and pain.
And there will be no turning point.

Life is not pivotal.
Life does not have and undo button.

That why I give chances.
Knowing that I gave my best shot.
Knowing that I give all my best in every single thing.
And when I finally explode,
No regrets on my part.

Caveat Emptor.
Disclosure is to refrain the act of caveat emptor that legalize all forms.
And I have done so.
I have disclosed all part of me.
I have done my part.
I refrain my act from hurting him.
Above all my actions, I've thought of my actions.

People make mistakes.
I once loved and I once get cheated on.
I once cheated and I once not love.
But I took my lessons.
He once loved and he once get cheated on.
and now, I only hope that he would not have any regrets in the future.

Because I give my all for him.
But I am not going to wait for a life time.

The End

The End is the Beginning.
Out of sight and out of mind.
Deleted and erased.
Because he doesn't want to Erase and Rewind.

If he wants it badly,
There would not be any hesitation.

Deleted, no memento of existence.
And mind is easily manipulated by conscience.
Heart is easily manipulated by mind.

I still have questions,
The second option was easier,
But he didn't say yes.
Maybe he doesn't want I and her to find out what really is going on.
But I don't care anymore.
It hurts and God knows how I tried and cried.
I don't want to return.

Don't tell me you love me,
then hurt me.
Don't tell me you love me,
if you would not even fight for it.

Maybe he never really loved me.
I would never know.

But if you wouldn't even fight for it,
And I have been fighting for it.
This is the End.

But this is a beginning for me.
Everyday is a new beginning.

5 of My Favourites

Favourite Perfumes

1. Pleasures/ Estee Lauder
2. Flower/Kenzo
3. Happy/ Clinique
4. Angel/Thierry Mugler
5. BLV/Bulgari

Favourite Colors

1. Black
2. Khaki
   
3. Pink
4. Baby Blue
5. Brown

Favourite Body Parts (Woman)

1. Neck
2. Cleavage
3. Bridge of the Nose
   
4. Butt
5. Breast

Favourite Body Parts (Man)

1. Chest
2. Neck
3. Nails
4. Butt
5. Feet

Favourite Drinks

1. Coke
2. Cappucino
3. Baileys
4. Wine
5. Corona

Favourite Musician:

1. 50 Cents
2. Christina Aguilera
3. Nelly
4. Beyonce
5. Metallica

Favourite Shoes:

1. Gucci
2. Prada
3. Tods
   
4. Rotelli
5. Vinnci

Favourite Bags:

1. Fendi
   
2. Gucci
3. Prada
4. Bally
5. Etienne Aigner

Favourite Leisure Time:

1. Boiling myself in a hot bath, mixed with olive oil and salt, while listening to top 40's music, and having cigarette, and l'occitane jasmine candles burning.
2. Running around my apartment naked, laying on the balcony of my apartment, with my soft carpet on my feet, and eating grapes.
3. watching dvd, after my yoga at four seasons, eating ferrero rocher chocolate, and have a delivered dessert.
4. Getting a massage and spa at my favourite hotel, putting on the batrobe and have hot ginger tea while my nails are being manicured and pedicured.
5. Getting ready for a party, take a bath, wash my hair, have it blow dryed by my favourite hairstylist, put on foundation, concealer, powder, shimmering, bonzer, blush on, tweeze, curl my eyelash, put on mascara, blush on, eyeliner, lotion, get a wax...another drama in life.

Favourite Time to see a Man:

1. When he is shaving, in front of the mirror, wearing a white towel...
2. When his wandering eyes are looking at children
3. When he is reading, sketching, or writing. His hands on his face, thinking hard.
   
4. When he looks me in the eye, eyes filled with love.
5. When he is with his family, especially when he's with his mom.

Thank You

Dear God, there are thousands of things that I would like to thank you.

1. Thank you for the joy of breathing and the life that You still let me live on.
2. Thank you for unfortunate events since my early childhood, that made me stronger.
3. Thank you for a family that loves me in a very unique way, that makes me tough and determined.
4. Thank you for not letting me have all that I wished for, to show me what hardwork is.
5. Thank you for a lot of traitor that I have befriended, for it makes me learn what true friendship means.
6. Thank you for all the loving friends that you have sent in my life, for they have shown me self love and respect.
7. Thank you for all the discrimination that I grew up with, because I learn the value of justice and equality.
8. Thank you for the experience of broken heart, for it shows the pain that I have caused to other people's heart.
9. Thank you for all the spiritual journey that I have experienced, for I have found that only with You, and You alone that I feel home.
10. Thank you for Your trust and gift, that I am in here, for I learn how small I am in Your Kingdom.

Dear God,
I would like to thank you for numerous person that you have sent in my life, be it for a reason, a season or a lifetime. They say a person is sent for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. A person is sent for a reason if there is a need to be fulfilled, be it mentally, physically or emotionally, to help me through the time of difficulty. And when the reason is fulfilled, they are gone, for they are Godsend.

I have found those people that have been there for a reason, and I would like to thank them.

1. Ms. Lunanta. You are my first lesson of love, my first lesson of faith, my first lesson of loyalty, my first lesson in patience, my first lesson in tolerance, my first lesson of affection, my first lesson of respect, my first lesson of dream, my first lesson of sharing, my first lesson of help. You are, my dear Sister. You have faith in me, when others don't. You stayed with me, in my time of pain. You were there for the whole four seasons. I am very grateful for you as God's gift in my life.
2. Mr. Hartley. Of all people, for the first time in my life, I believe in my self worth. You made me believe that I am beautiful. You showed what self respect means. You showed me how to be the subject and object of affection. You showed me the difference of love and lust. You are my first love.
3. My non-biological mothers. They showed me the meaning of the word feminine. They showered me with uncoditional love. They saved my life...and my soul.
   
4. Mr. Abadi.You bespeak my soul. You showed and showered me with the paternal affection that I have been seeking in lovers. You let me confide. You made me believe in gender equality. You made me realize the difference of paternal longing and the love that I thought I have found.
   
5. The Chads. Both Chads are always there in the lonely nights. Both Chads are gentle and nice. Both Chads are there to comfort me. Both Chads have always restored my self confidence. Both Chads made me two times to stronger to get through whatever battle that I am in.

Thank you God. Don't let me ever forget all your blessings and gifts.