Fake love

How do you know that you actually love someone? It seems like there is an idealization of the term "falling in love". An idealization that you must have butterflies in your stomach, the clingy effect because you always want to be with the other person. The image of "the one"- the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Some others have other idea of love- that love comes from a companionship- best friends becomes a lover type- the one where after so long of a companionship that when they are gone, you finally realized that you cannot live with the other person.

I think that is complete bullshit. Anyone who ever says they love someone else usually don't even know what love is. Including me. It was fuckin hard to say I love you..the first time- especially to the one that you actually love. These days i try to live with my words. The last time I said I love you and really meant it was when I was crying and looking for salvation in Indiana- and MS really got me out of that deep depressing hole.

MotherF@*!er- when I looked back, I deceived so many men by saying "I love you's" just to get whatever that I want- and I didn't say those magic three words to the one that I love most- so retarded. I found out the only time I said "I love you" to a man- is when there is a fake fuckin disillusioned love.

You think this writing is angry? Maybe it is. Or maybe I am just being honest.

Clueless

Do you ever think that you know someone? Do you think that you can always tell what other people are feeling? I found out that you could never actually tell what other people is like. The only person who can tell about someone else are those who knows themselves well. And he knows himselves knows God. Once you see the big picture, then you would understand. The sad part is, once I know how other people are feeling, i also know why they took certain acts- what comes from it is an understanding. WIth understanding, comes love...and no matter what they do to you- you can't help but to love them- for they are only ignorant and clueless.

And when Jesus said, "Forgive them Lord, for they do not know...", I finally see his strength- instead of his weakness. As much as it brings peace, I am not willing to let go of my human side of being angry and turning my back towards everyone- why would someone choose turmoil over peace? My brain is hesitating hardly, and my heart just wants to rest. But this time, it is different. Experience has thought me a lot of things, including not to believe that my thoughts and feelings are me. My feelings and thoughts are mine, but they are not me. Peace at last.

Not so White Christmas

Christmas in Indiana, just like last year. Not necessarily the same though. I thought Christmas in America will be different than a Christmas in a Moslem dominated country. I guess the breeze of globalization created similarity between one thing to another. No midnight mass, no candle lighting, no Santas hanging around, no christmas carols. But there are joys, there are love, there are sharing, there are laughter.

I was quite happy to see that everyone enjoyed their gifts. I have been accepting gifts as early as Mid December for this Christmas. Mostly from people that I would never have guessed to give me gifts. Their attentiveness and caring really made me cried. I guess I already cried too much, that I can't cry anymore during Christmas.

Coming to Indiana feels like coming back home. Where everything is comfy and simple. Where I feel loved and a place where i feel i belong to. A place where I am welcomed. Where I know someone, though everyone knows me as Gigi- Bobby's friend. The negative side of Indiana is of course, I am never simply Gigi- I am Gigi that will always be associated with Bobby. Now that is the hardest part. This is exactly why I hesitated coming to Indiana. It really is not a good idea to hang out with my ex-boyfriend during the most special day in the year- with people that he loves most. Not a very good idea- especially if you are trying so hard to get over your ex.

I am quite proud with the way I handle things though. I didn't fall all over him. I didn't go crazy and become an angry and bitter person. I didn't became a fake attention whore who is trying too hard to be loved. On the contrary, I am being myself. I said honestly that we are just friends. I didn't get angry when I found out that he also invited other girl to come to his house for christmas ( no, i'm not that special of a friend), didn't get mad that he spends his time with his laptop and text messaging all his friends, didn't get dissapointed when he told me that he wanted to visit his friends between christmas and new year. I am really proud with myself. The old Gigi will go crazy and go pouting and angry- or will try to smile and cut herself when she was alone.

On another note, this Christmas, the most special gift comes from MP. He picked me up from my therapy and we went out for dinner at a Brazilian restaurant. What amazes me most was the fact that he was wearing a pink stripes shirt- because i love guys who wears pink or stripes shirt- and he makes sure he reaches perfection by wearing a pink stripes shirt. At the restaurant, he pretended to go to the restroom, and came back with christmas gifts for me. And i didn't get anything for him...That was also our last date and I will not see him until next year. He gave me a large chocolate and perfume- two of my most favourite things...

Alana, Annie and Danielle gave me hotpacks and moxibustion tools..so I can practice my healing and yoga before I can be certified. Zsuzsi gave me a stone engraved with the word wisdom on it. Amy gave me a sexy urban outfitters t'shirt. What really touched me was the fact that all of them tried so hard to find a gift that I will love, a gift that pictures how they see me and what kind of things they thought i would like. Although gift is not embodiment of love, but their attention through their gifts showed me how much they actually listened and cared about me. How much they know me. And how much they love me...

I know how hard it is to find a gift for me. Especially at this point, where I don't need anything. So i understand the frustration. And for everyone who took the time, thought, and effort..thank you...

Understanding

I finally understood that i have never met anyone so insecure and afraid.

I feel your love...

You can always tell you when someone loves you. No matter how many times they said it, you can feel whether they sincerely mean it. Once upon a time, I dated a man. In the beginning, he will chase me and call me everytime he remembers me. He chased and chased and chased me and convinced me to date him. He listened to all my stories, he came to pick me up, he took me to fancy dinners, and continuously wanting me to be with him. When I finally gave in and loved him back- he run away.

Saying I love you seems to be the hardest word for him. Don't even dream of holding hands together or him seeing me while we are having dinner. No more getting picked up and getting hugs. Cuddling seems to be obligatory.

It is not the gesture that matters. However, the way someone answers a phone, the way they look at you, the way they pay attention to you- shows their true state of mind and feelings. I would usually just smile and play along- though I know they are lying. I understand the ulterior motive underneath saying I love you. But I was too desperate and didn't mind to be treated in a bad way rather than being alone.

Suddenly, our relationship become business. I am so confused with all the mixed signals. Everytime he takes one steps forward, he will take two steps back. Whenever I want to leave him, he said he wants me to be around. When I stayed around, he begin to feel grumpy.

Being persistent, I will always stay in this unhealthy type of relationship, because I do not give up easily..on anything. I ended it. My advice is, if you don't know what you are looking for, don't expect anyone else to be able to know it. A lot of times, it is man who plays the mind games.

He is happily with a nice girl now, and I am happy for him- and for myself, because I don't want to be treated that way..and every time any one ask me, I will only say that we are too different..

Kangen Indonesia

Entry pertama berbahasa Indonesia. Kangen Indonesia. Kangen plaza senayan. Kangen jalan martimbang. Kangen rumahnya vitri. Kangen ama bakso. Kangen ama teh botol. Kangen ama gorengan murah meriah muntah. Kangen dengerin lagu Indo di kantor. Kangen pecel ayam dan pecel lele. Kangen makan murah. Kangen rokok murah. Kangen di pdkt in. Kangen di tembak. Kangen gosip dan ketawa ketiwi karena banyolan yang nggak bakal lucu di ini negara. Kangen punya pembantu. Kangen bisa pijet berjam-jam. Kangen nyalon tiap minggu. Kangen luluran. Kangen sok cool kalo liat artis di plaza indonesia atau plaza senayan. Kangen liat cewek2 cakep di ps.

Emang bener lagi, hujan uang di negeri orang, masih lebih enak hujan batu di negeri sendiri. Tapi, kalo pulang sekarang juga nggak bakal kayak dulu lagi. Nggak ada sari, nggak ada leo, anak kosan udah kawin semua, vitri mau s2, irma udah kawin, dan temen2 udah pada kerja semua. Kadang-kadang yah, sekarang ini gw rasanya maju kena mundur kena (lah kok jadi titlenya warkop dki yah?).

Gw nih kerjaannya kalo rindu Indonesia nontonin video hot-shot, dan acara gosip lain via internet. Ini nih, gw lagi dengerin lagu2 indo yang sendu2 (berhubung lagi patah hati). Duuuh enaknya lagu indonesia, gak pernah nyadarin gw kalo ternyata gap bahasa tuh berasa banget disini. Lebih mengena di hati (eh, jangan2 bukan karena bahasa tapi karena lagi patah hati..mau ditinggal pacar nih soalnya....).

Temen2 kasi kabar dong, pada enggak kangen kali ya ama gw...oh ya..buat yang udah ngasih comment, seperti jeng tiza yang cakep dan jeng lita yang manis, makasih bangeet yah. trus gw agak terkejut juga, ternyata yang liat blog gw lumayan banyak..profile view gw ada 600an (atau jangan2 itu semua gw sendiri yang ngeliatin mulu???)

Oh ya, kabar tentang gw nggak banyak. Alhamdulillah, sudah lebih tenang. Sudah nyaman dengan diri sendiri. Sudah tidak ngoyo dan maksain harus punya calon suami atau pacar. Tokh, punya pacar atau calon suami tidak menjamin gw jadi seneng kan? Kenapa juga harus menunggu ada orang lain baru bahagia..sukur kalo ketemunya orang yang kepengen ngebahagiain gw- nah kalo dia juga nuntut gw yang nge-bahagia-in dia..gimana dong? Sudah puas berbaju hampir telanjang setiap hari dan menarik pria-pria spiderman yang selalu berlari menjauh. Sudah tidak ngoyo jadi banci tampil. Sudah bisa memilih untuk nyaman berbahasa yang santun. Sudah berani menentang orang2 yang ngelunjak. Sudah tidak gila titel tapi masih sedikit gila merek. Sudah tidak takut atas hal2 yang tidak perlu ditakuti yang dulu nyeremin banget, contohnya: takut miskin, takut dianggap bodoh, takut dianggap nggak gaul, takut dianggap nggak laku, takut dianggap jelek.

Gw bersyukur sekali bisa tinggal disini, walaupun banyak rasa bersalah. Banyak yang berubah dengan karakter gw. Lebih disiplin (walaupun sedikit) dan lebih bangga dengan indonesia. Jadi tau bahwa banyak sekali orang yang sayang sama gw. Selain itu, gw belajar mengekspresikan emosi dengan cara yang baik dan benar serta berusaha menghilangkan kebiasaan yang nggak baik.

Alhamdulillah juga, sekarang gw kalo ngerjain apa2 suka nanya ama hati gw dulu. Jadi gw seneng ngelakuin apa pun yang udah gw putusin, karena pas ngelaksanainnya emang hepi. Misalnya waktu gw intern di greenpeace, walaupun cuma jadi frontman part. Atau ketika latihan buat jadi instruktur yoga tiap hari. Satu persatu kesempatan datang. Seperti ketika ditawarin kerja buat seorang politikus di daerah west coast. Atau ketika ditawarin di UN Headquarters dan Amnesty International. Selain itu, gw sepertinya punya malaikat yang selalu menolong gw. Terima kasih ya buat keluarga dan temen2 yang udah ngedoain, gw yakin doanya didenger makanya gw dibantu terus.

Teman2, alangkah senangnya yaaa kalau setiap hari ada pelajaran baru. Gw selalu berusaha utk belajar 1 hal baru setiap hari. Nah utk hari ini, pelajaran gw adalah belajar untuk jujur. Tapi susah sih buat nyeritain detailnya. Nah hari sebelumnya, gw belajar bikin pintu- mulai dari beli kayu, trus make gergaji dan palu listrik- trus bikin pintu bareng gebetan gw, yang nggak mungkin gw pacarin. Nah 2 hari yang lalu, gw belajar bikin virtual identity di dunia maya yang namanya second life bareng ama pacar gw. Di hari yang sama, gw ama pacar gw belajar bahasa arab- gw mungkin bakal ngunjungin dia di Doha, Qatar.

Selain itu temen2, gw beruuuuntung sekali, dapet kesempatan untuk belajar terus. Ditawarin beasiswa di london, terus kemaren dapet beasiswa di sini, karena gw emang anaknya pengen tauuuu mulu. Nah, gw yakin temen2 bukan tipikal orang yang melihat bahwa pelajaran itu hanya dilihat dari subjeknya- karena beasiswa ini bukan beasiswa tipikal utk s2 atau s3, tapi lebih merupakan tawaran belajar- lebih mengenal diri sendiri dan Insya Allah merupakan jalan untuk lebih mendekatkan diri padaNya. Amin.

Karena hidup disini sepi banget..kalo temen2 yang gw kenal punya cerita atau blog kasi tau ya ama gw, biar bisa sharing..I also want to know about you.

Indonesian

I am proud to be an Indonesian. I am proud with my brown skin and black silky hair. I am proud with my petite body. I am proud with the land of riches that I am born to. I am proud with my culture. I am not an aggressive american woman. I do not fit with the one night stand and casual sex in America. I am proud to have a culture that respects the elderly and cares for the younger. I am proud on how tight the family and friendship relationship is in my country. I am proud with the seas and forests in my country.

I am an Indonesian woman. My blood, my skin, my mind, my gesture, my language is one with Indonesia. I am proud with all my Indonesian traits. Don't try to change me with all the foul language that does not have any Indonesian interpretation. Don't try to fool me with democracy that does not goes with my heart because the aggresive and directness profound with it. Don't try to educate me to be more of an independent woman because I am submissive and proud to choose to be the way I am. Don't point your fingers on me for thinking that the most important role in my life is being a mother, a daughter, a wife, a companion and a friend. Don't try to sell your belief on what an independent woman should be like, because the essence of being independent is free choice. I choose to remain to be an Indonesian. I choose to be a female who like to smiles through the hurdles of life. I choose the skin I am comfortable to be with.

I am a woman. I like to be in a typical indonesian relationship called "pacaran". I am not comfortable with american man who has relationship only when it is comfortable, and give up easily whenever there is an obstacle. I am not comfortable with the american marriage where divorce is a very easy thing to do, and leave the children stranded. I am not comfortable with man not being a provider and takes up the household chores. I am not comfortable with the overflaunting and overexposing clothes. No matter how sexy you say that I am in those outfit- I do not feel comfortable because that is not me. These are my values and my beliefs. Don't feed me and force me to be someone that I am not.

You can say that i am submissive. You can say that I am too tolerant. You can say that I am conventional and traditional. You can say that my country is dirty. You can say that my culture is irrational and magical. You can say anything you want to say. But for once, if you try to see it from my eyes, and try to understand- you have begin your first step in loving me.

COMING SOON!!

So, my new project is to write about my past trips, since I am such a globetrotter..
The coming trip that I will write will be about:

1. Japan trip
   
2. Papua trip
3. Aceh trip
1. first time
2. third time
3. sixth time
   
4. Egypt trip
5. Israel/Palestine trip
1. first ime
2. third time
   
6. Turkey trip
7. Jordan trip
   
1. first time
2. second time
3. third time
   
8. Saudi trip: Mecca, Medina and Jeddah
9. Malaysia trip
1. first time
2. last time
   
10. Singapore trip
1. first time
2. fourth time
3. fifth time
   
11. Bali trip
1. first time
2. third time
   
12. Bahorok trip
13. Lake Toba trip
14. Indianapolis trip
15. Washington DC trip
1. first time
2. second time
3. fourth time
   
16. San Fransisco trip
1. first time
2. second time
   
17. Cambridge trip
18. Carmel and Napa Valley trip
19. Arizona trip
20. New York trip
1. Upper West side
2. Upper East side
   
21. Upstate New York trip
1. Neville
   
2. Poughkeepsie
   
22. Florida trip
23. Bandung trip
24. Surabaya trip
25. Pontianak trip

Different companion, different age, different memories...
they say travelling is for people who are not happy. maybe it is true. i don't know...

Euro Trip part 4

Germany

There really isn't much to share about Germany, since I only went to Heidelberg- the industrial city famous with its metal related product. I like it though, it reminded me a lot of my hometown in Medan, where everyone is straight to business, without any bullshit. Most people have square face with dominant jaw. Spent only a few hours there and continued our journey.

Switzerland

We spent a few nights in Switzerland. We stayed in a hotel where cows ate grasses in the morning and there are only grasses wherever you go. Went to the top of the mountain and browsed the whole Rolex centre. It was very...peaceful. I didn't like it by that time- since I was crazy about big and hectic city like NY, Japan and Hong Kong.

United Kingdom

Another childhood memories. I remembered singing "London Bridge is falling down...." the whole time during my first trip from Newcastle to London. I went to Hammersmith, Buckingham Palace and all royalty related places. I loveeeee London, where everyone dresses hip in a conservative way. It was not hip in a NY sense, because it is much more sophisticated. Spent hours at Oxford Street..just chillaxin..and hanging out.

Belgium

Belgium is like Netherlands..without the red light crazy. Famous for its beer and chocolate, it was the time to really spoil yourself. Until now, I am still madly crazy with the rich taste of Belgium beer. I'm not a big fan of dark chocolate, and I therefore prefer switzerland's chocolate.

Lichtenstein

This is perhaps the smallest country that I have ever visited in my life. I have never even heard the existence of this country. The most amazing thing about this country is that it is just a few block. Walked too far..you're in another country.

Enough about Euro Trip..will share more about my other trips sooon...GOOD NITE reader..If you care enough about me to read this blog, please know that I LOVE YOUUUU ALLL!

Euro Trip part 3

Paris

So there I was, in the most romantic city where I find no romance at all. What I remember vividly during this trip to Paris was my memory of childhood. This is my second trip to Paris, 12 years apart from my first visit to Paris. I didn't get to the top of Eiffel Tower, since it will bring traumatic childhood memory. I was a restrained hyper active child who is overly curious. As I saw the Eiffel Tower from far away, I remembered how I kept on asking questions and running all around when my dad and I took the elevator to the top of the tower. My dad was tired and sick of me by that time- so he told me that if i didn't shut up- he will throw me from the top of the tower. That really did shut me up and created a distance between us- even 20 years after that statement. Eiffel did not give me a lot of fantasy since that time. So I saw that tower from far away, and i imagined how lonely Eiffel was when he was staying alone on the top of the tower. Obligatory picture taking- so my mother could put my picture in the living room to show how worldly her daughter is.

I was so happy in Versailles because I adored all the gold coated, Renaissance style furniture in there. I have always adored Napoleon Bonaparte and stared blankly to his coronation painting for hours. The memory of childhood was not that frightening that time- because although we walked for 12 hours, my dad didn't yell at me that time.

I wish that we are not staying at any Parisian hotel- again because of the childhood memories. I remembered how rude they were to me-not to mention that my finger was stucked in an old elevator and I was bleeding and crying the whole night while every other person in the hotel were yelling at me. I resisted Paris ever since.

p.s. My third visit to Paris kinda changed my opinion of Paris- but let's just save that for later.


Austria

I love Austria. It was simply beautiful. I went to see the monument dedicated for Marie Antoinette. Then we went to eat some apple stroudel- and visited the Mozart building. I long to visit Austria again.

If it was not because of an asshole who ruined my dream to be in the Willem C.Vis Competition in Austria, I would have visited Austria again circa 2002-2004. Oh yeah..have you heard the story of this asshole? Basically he's my senior in my lawschool. He went to the Vis Competition and will be the judge to choose the member of the mootcourt. I, being aspired to enter an arbitration mootcourt since my major was business law- told him my intention to enter the internal recruitment.
Who would have thought that a such a senior, instead of encouraging me..laughed at me and told me.."You want to join the Vis...? Over my dead body..because I will try as I might not to select you...". Not to mention that he said" Besides that, you were not the Best Oralist on the Last Moot Court, weren't you..you were ONLY the Most Eloquent Oralist". Such an asshole. I hate him. Fuck you, asshole! You never even got any prize in the Asian Moot Court. You lied to the whole law school about your rank at the Vis Moot Court- the audacity of telling everyone that you got the 75th rank when you got the 105th rank. Kiss my ass now..look at how far discouraging and letting other people down got you. Hope you are happy with your life as a married government official now. Oh I love to see that surprised face when I told him I contacted Eric Bergsten, the committee for the competition. I am such a passive aggressive freak!!!

Okay...am going now..let's continue later...

Euro Trip part 2

FYI, these are fragments of Europe from my second Euro Trip.

Euro Trip

I remember my Euro Trip a few years ago, where we visited 10 countries in Europe in 20 days. Perished in sophisticated places. By the twentieth day, by all means i think I have already forgotten which country is which. Lichtenstein and Belgium seems similar. Similarly forgotten and without a trait that I could pin point exactly which is which.

Netherlands

The trip started in Netherlands, where we went to..where else if not the famous Red Light District. Then we went to Vollendam- where we took pictures as the fisherman and housewifes with their big clogs. This picture seems to play a great emphasis in Indonesian culture. Being a colony of Dutch- where in the past the fact that you went to Netherlands seems to signify your status as either rich or educated- the remnants of this mindset still exist. Every rich family seems to put their pictures in the oversized clogs and fake fish in their living room. All for the sake of showing how great you are that you went to Netherlands. In Vollendam, the studio was packed with Indonesian.

Italy-Rome
Next destination was Rome and Italy. After a trip to the Sistine Chapel- which I think is so amazingly beautiful- yet no one from the trip seem to be willing to enter simply because they are Moslems- we went to Milan, Florence,Venice and Verona.
Milan was exciting- where everyone is Stylin..The place where the plumber and construction workers looks amazing. Yet, I was a devoted and faithful girlfriend of my lovely boyfriend by that time. So, even if a man as gorgeous as Joseph was sent naked to my hotel room- I am 100% sure that I would not do anything. What else to do in Milan but to shop? Prada, Armani, Fendi..you name every italian brand that exist- I got it. My boyfriend by that time made a great emphasis for me to buy as many things as I want with his credit card-because he wants to spoil me. I, of course, do not hesitate any further.
After that we went to Florence, or shall I say..Firenze, where they have the most delicious coffee and the most amazing spaghetti. We had a fancy dinner where I dressed like a white thrash because I was so fucking tired that I don't even care to change. Thanks to my rich companion who are well dressed, that they let me in.
Then off we go to Venice the next morning- we stroll around the whole city, which was crowded by Americans and couples trying to get into every gondola. What amazes me most about Venice was the building- being an architect daughter who are well equipped with knowledge about construction- rather than the fake romanticism of a gondola (again- I didn't go there with my boyfriend, otherwise, it would be a different story).
Somewhere along the way we went to see The Pisa Tower. We spend the whole day through every other tower and tried to get into and climb the Pisa Tower- too bad I wasn't allowed to climb the whole way through- otherwise I would.
The next destination was Verona- the city of Romeo and Juliet. I saw the tunnel which supposedly was the place where Juliet would scream "Romeo..romeo..where art thou?". As a custom and a cultural gesture- i ensure that I touched Juliet tits. Oh no, it was not the real Juliet- it was a bronze statue of her. Heck..if touching tits is what i need to do to find love, then so be it.

Gosh..this would be too long of a post if I tell my whole trip in one post. So, after these first batch of 3 countries- I will post the rest of the countries that I travelled. Next post will be about:
Paris
Austria
Germany
Switzerland
Lichtenstein
Belgium
United Kingdom

For now, I am going to yoga and will be packing for my next trip.

Survival of the Fittest

I am looking for ways to make money without using visa- since my working visa is in trouble. I can do it- i know i can do it- was what went through my mind. I remembered the days when i was so damn broke in college years. believe me, i lived with scrapes of bread crumbs. I could never have survived without the help of my fellow room mates in my dorm and jimi- my ex boyfriend. I am blessed with the most frugal (read stingy) parents. Just like right now, with my parents hesitating to send me any cent at all. Plus, this is also added with such a pride of never asking money. I am back to my old living style- though this time i am equipped with all my branded items that i purchased during my successfull living as a lawyer.

The options are:

1. Be a beggar on the street
2. House cleaner
3. Baby sitter
4. Masseusse
5. Stripper

I can't be a waiter, receptionist, sales- marketing person. Don't ask me why- it's a complicated thing. Plus my heart is just so filled with pride- and i live in one of the most expensive city in US which is not diverse in job at all.

So, I put my resume on public accessed places. I did get replies. I wanted a baby sitting job- i was offered to be a computer programmer for school's softwares. I wanted a house cleaning job- I was offered to be a traffic reporter. I do not have any recommendation. Plus, this world apparently is filled with horny bastards that keeps on asking my pics, measurement, and phone numbers. Visa really is holding me back from getting a decent job.

Anyone who knows me really well will tell you that i have limitless guts and do not fear anything. Including meeting stranger to give them massage in their apartment. I met my first client today. He seems nice. I am going to give my first professional massage tomorrow. As nice as he seems, I am going to practice my martial art before I meet him. I think I can make almost a hundred usd in an hour. I have to say, that my looks played a lot of role in this kind of job. But I am never going to sell myself to get money.

Besides that, I have been object of research- I applied to almost everything-they give good compensation, I tell you. It just feels soooo good to be making money. I just love the thrilling feeling that comes from the survival instinct.


This is the year where i have to live frugally. Another year in US is not cheap. And it is not easy either. I think by February things will be better. I know it will. In my life, if i really work hard, i get what i want. What i need is only planning.

Above all else, I am proud of myself. I feel like I am in one of the Hollywood movies where the character is trying to achieve his/her dreams from nothing. I know I can do it. Oh yes I can!!! If I can make it heeereee....I'll make it anywhere....It's up to me...

p.s. Leetoy..I want you to know that I remember you all the time...especially in these time of hardship..

shit...

my mom called. as always, she's putting me down. i hate communicating with her. it drives me crazy. it makes me want to do crazy things like engaging in self harming behaviors or impulsive actions.

meeting up with a stranger- just wish me luck.

support system

how could a person who personally knows:

1. her 45o friends in friendster
2. her 100 friends in facebook

not have a support system..at all?
okay.. i need to have a plan not to relapse. no..i have not become an alcoholic, or drug addict. i was a little bit depressed.
dang it.
what the hell did i do wrong?
I listed down my new friends:

1. Michael Starace
   
2. Nicholas Fiorito
3. Darryl Carvaggio
4. Megan
5. Meghan
6. Amy Jackson
7. Matthew Porter
8. JP
   
9. Richard
10. Jean Opel
11. Martha
12. Annie Carter
13. Danielle Gaudette
14. Alana
15. Zane Harman
16. Steve
17. Saguib
18. Patrick
19. Glenn
20. Mike
21. Lucas
22. Allya
23. Manuel
24. Renee
25. Xu Wang
    
26. Sandy Chen
    
27. Sandra Hwee
28. Miwa Kanazawa
    

these are only friends that i met in the past three months. no, they are not acquintances. no, i did not meet them randomly in club. no, i didn't meet them through any random chat in the internet. do any of them have the possibility to be my support system? i think three out of 24 can.

so i tried to reconnect with previous friends:

1. Nitzan
2. Adam
3. Daniel
4. Melati
5. Andy
6. Amrin
7. Jo

i don't think i have any problem in finding or keeping friends. seriously.. i tend to think that i am over friendly that i even make friends with the homeless people and random people in the train or bus.
so why can't i find a support system?

gimme my friends backkkk! gimme my reliable, faithful, kind and loving friends! i hate being in a place where everyone seems to bond because of their shared experience in their first or second year. i hate not having anyone that i can share that bond with. the one that i want to share my memories with are gone. the one who shared history with me, i dont want. such a life dillema. where can i find these generous loving people like my best buddies? shud i only find them in the form of indonesian?

maybe i shud have formed new bond with other people- instead of reigniting old flames of love this christmas. from now on...the wisdom word will be, everytime i call that person that i am trying to forget- i am losing my chance to forge a new friendship with other people. and everytime i spend time with that old love of mine- i am missing out the chance to find new love. I HAVE TO REMEMBER- THAT EVERYTIME I SAY YES TO HIM- I SAY NO TO EVERYONE ELSE. FOR NOW, I AM THE PRIORITY. DON'T THINK ABOUT WHAT OTHERS MAY SAY, THINK OR DO.

looks

people make judgments based on how other people looks. people have impression of what other person is like based on what they see. it becomes hard when people have a certain stereotype of who and what you are like.

it is hard for me, at least, because a lot of people have their perception about me.

1. with my gucci bags and designer sunglasses, people tend to think i am high maintenance. perhaps it is true. but if i bought all of them and never asked my parents to buy it- who am i being high maintenance to? i actually have my designer handbags and sunglasses because i am low maintenance- these handbags and sunglasses are usually classic and last for a long time. So who's being high maintenance now?

2. a man called me a cockteaser-another thought i was a stripper- while other think that i am such a brave person to express my sexuality. i don't think any of that is true. throughout my life, i only wear skin revealing clothes- if i feel safe. usually if i am around people that i trust- like leo or bobby. i sincerely do not have any intention to be a cock teaser. to tell the truth, i still feel uncomfortable with the dresses i wear- i guess it is just not easy when you have been covering yourself up for 10 years of your life- and the moment you reveal your skin every man thinks you desperately are seeking for sex.

3. a lot of people think that i am so put together because i coordinate whatever i wear, and don't wear the same thing for two days in a row. to this, i attest that it is not true. i don't fold and coordinate my stuff. i either give them for charity, resell them, or simply throw them away. my room is the messiest thing on earth. i think i did a pretty good job convincing other people that i am so put together.

4. one true thing is..the messier i am-the more thinking i am doing.

lastly...everyone says that with me, the old adage of "don't judge a book by it's cover" truly applies.

affiliation

most, if not everyone i know, really have a problem sitting still with their own self. seriously, just how many people do you know that could actually sit without doing or think about anything and just be in the moment? a lot of people just stand to be alone with themselves. sad isn't it? people avoid being with their ownself by reading, drinking, hanging out, writing, checking e-mails, anything, as long as they are not alone with their own self.


i used to have that restless feeling. always have to go somewhere, always have to do something. and when you don't have that, you are looking for a friend. but if you are like me, where do you find a friend? being in a quarter life crisis- where you just got off school- where do you find friend? so here are the options of finding a friend or companionship:

1. vocation- work and school
2. spiritual affiliation
3. sports affiliation
4. hobby affiliation
5. relationship

If you are a female, living in cambridge and is alone- which is my case, then i have to exhaust the option one by one. This is just so hard- I never had any difficulty finding a friend before- but mostly that is because i am situated in a situation where i bond friendship through shared time and experience.

People in here seems to be so absorbed with their relationship, and that is not an option for me. Looking at how disastrous my last relationship was, i don't think i want to resort that option. with vocation-almost all of my LLM friends have flew all over the globe. The other option would be hobby, spiritual and sports affiliation.

I would never want to hear someone say to me that i am dependent on them. I heard it once, and i vow not to hear it again. I will do anything to prevent that from happening.

Fuck you!

i am so fucking tired with all this, to the point that i don't want to talk about anything to anyone or to you about anything. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! you really ruined my day.

My Schedule

Dec.14: Kappa men
Dec.15: Steve/Matt
Dec.16: Christmas Party with Middle East graduate student
Dec.17: Adam /Nitzan/Daniel/Matt
Dec.18: Michael/Zane
Dec.19: Nitzan/Matt/Zane
Dec.20: Packing
Dec.21: Indiana
Jan.2 : Phoenix
Jan.16: Boston
Jan.17: Orlando
Jan.20: Boston

Tentative Plans:
Valentine/February 2007: Las Vegas or visit Steven in NY
March 2007: Washington DC
Birthday 2007: NY or anywhere with beach
Summer 2007: Trip with Sara
Fall 2007: Back to school


Planning gives a broader picture for the future and avoids impulsivity.

Been Long...

It's been long..
So loong in fact,
Since someone held my hands,
Or put their hands on my back,
While walking with me.


he makes me laugh when he asked me.."where have you been all my life?" i answered.."harvard square and indonesia"-and when he showed me his fish tank that's filled with pyramids..he told me he wanted to make the fish feel at home because they are from africa. if you're reading this...thank you for showing me good time!!!

Ad

24 yr old female, attractive, smart, and athletic looking for a man with a good brain and heart.

Quantification

Things are not always one or another. Things aren't always black and white. Things could not always be categorized. Things are not always what it seems to be. Things do not always go the way you want it. Things always evolves.

My life has always been about quantification.
Growing up, my aim in the 16 years of my life was to always get the first rank in my class. I collect as many trophy as I want. I got as many certificate as I can get. And so, I did get a lot of certificate- you name it, from typewriter typing to girl scout, I have it all. I did won trophies. I got first ranks.

I recall when I was a little kid, my mom handed me the Bobo magazine (my favourite children's magazine) and showed me the pictures of all the over achiever kids. She told me she wanted me to be like that. And i obeyed. I so much wanted to be loved by her, that I am willing to be whatever she wanted me to be. My little heart is screaming.."love me Mommy..love me...". I went to any school that my mom sent me to. In all that school, the never ending struggle was to always get the first rank. But...I still feel that she doesn't love me. So I thought that I must be doing something wrong..I need to be better. I must be smarter. I noticed that my mom's face is always glowing when other people are complimenting me. So I changed my behavior. I changed every single thing in me, to satisfy my parents. As I write this, my heart is aching, remembering how hard i tried to be loved.

In my college era, my mom and dad told me that they wouldn't be proud of me unless I get a 3 point something GPA. I tried so hard. I didn't sleep a lot of nights. I attended all classes. I didn't even have a friend. Only to find out that my GPA was 2,75. My life was doomed. I felt like the most stupid person in the world. It didn't matter what other's are saying about how smart I am. My GPA was not 3. Which made me think that I fall into the category of unloved. A complete idiot. By the end of the college era...my GPA was 3,14. I thought my Mom and Dad will be happy. But I didn't graduate early enough to be called on the Dean's list. When the cum laude people was called upon as the representative...my Dad asked me why can't I be like them. It simply didn't matter that I produced the world know certificate in moot court. My other achievements are simply..discounted..because I wasn't the one that is in the Dean's list.

I tried and tried and tried..to please my family. But..the sad truth is...it never ends. It didn't end when I got a job. It didn't end when I dated the guy that I love. It didn't end when I got into Harvard. I finally gave up. 24 years of trying to win a love that i could never get. Heck..I am one persistent and stubborn person.

Did I learn my lesson? NO.

I did it again in my romantic relationships. I tried to be a perfect girlfriend. I didn't get jealous when he hangs out with other girls. I understand if he doesn't want to hug me or hold my hand. I accept that he would rather spend his time alone than with me. I made him dinner. I cleaned up his place. I never ask him to walk me back home. I come everytime he wants me and go everytime he asks me to. I make sure I did everything perfectly. Because I wanted so much to be loved. When he chose to have a relationship with other girl, when he chose to sleep with other girls- my heart was broken into pieces. Because i thought that no matter how hard I tried...no one would love me. This is where my quantification fails. Because he told me that I am a perfect girl...but he just don't want to be with me. I tried to quantify and find where my fault is. But I can't find any. He also told me that it wasn't my fault. Why?Why?Why?

A lot of times..I ask people and myself.."why is the path of finding love is so hard for me?"
I must be such a terrible person that no one is willing to love me.
No matter how hard I tried..nobody ever seems to stay and say they love me.
What i failed to see is, a lot of times...the problem is not with me. It's with them. A lot of times, other people's gesture and statement are actually saying things about them, not about me. I took everything to be my fault. I tried so hard, and sometimes too hard..that I lose myself. After 24 years, I am willing to let go of the persistency that I am so proud of and realize the stupidity and ignorance that my persistency has led me to. The only thing that I am going to pursue persistently is to love myself and to do only things that makes me happy.

Thank you for loving me..You know who you are. I love you with all my heart.
To all the readers..I hope that you find love...and never ever ever betray yourself by being someone that you are not for the sake of other person.

Honesty

It has been so long since the last time that I actually been honest. Always pretending to be what other people wants me to be. Always pretending to be someone that is not who I really am. Now I finally have the chance to be me. It wasn't really as scary as I thought it would be. To know that other people would not leave me when I am being honest. To know that they would accept me as I am and to really be comfortable.

In almost every relationship that I have, I tried so hard to make people see me differently. I want them to think that I am cruel, bad, heartless, basically a hateful bitch. The underlying reason is that I don't feel that I deserve to be loved. I don't think I deserve any friendship from any one. Another reason is because of my fear. I am afraid that people will hurt me. I am afraid that I would dissapoint people because I actually am not someone they wanted me to be.

These past months, I have rejected people who are very close to me. I told my therapist that I didn't trust her. I told my yoga instructor that I think she is trying to manipulate me. I told my group therapy all my secrets. I told Debbie how I really felt about her. Amazingly, they all still stay with me. Amazingly, they see me through my layers. They saw my soul and heart.

With the kids at Jessup, I know that I will be remembered as an angry woman, who yells a lot and is rude. Truly, I actually care deeply about them. I think time has been a helpful element for them to actually see who I really am, though not all of them saw that. Beyond all these layers, I am actually very...sensitive. The fact that I don't know how to show my love and my fear of intimacy made people misunderstood me. But that is not something that I regretted. I know better now. I am continuosly in the process of being honest and actually being who I really am. Thank you to everyone who has put up through me and the one who stayed with me and loves me endlessly.

Blessed

I will be staying for another year in US. I am grateful for what I have learned in here. I learn to understand and not merely view my accomplishement from quantifiable achievement. For 24 years of my life, what i aimed to achieve are meaningless physical achievement. I never really listened to what i really want in live. I always follow what my parents want, what society wants, what my religion wants. Have a 3 point something GPA, graduate in less than 5 years, work in a top lawfirm which office is in the Kuningan or Sudirman area, be active in organizations, find a steady boyfriend, etc...


It hurts me deeply, because my parents-again-sees me as a failure. But fuck that..this is what i want..for once in my life, I can actually do what i want. Fuck all of you who think that I am a failure. I am sick of fulfilling societal norms and values of what I am supposed to be..and what did the society gave me in return?

For what I know, I am doing what i want NOW. I don't even care about Harvard or Law School. I refue to be defined by my educational and vocational identity. I don't want people to remember me as the girl who studied law in harvard, or the girl who was best oralist. I want to be remembered just like how my personality is. These days, it is more rewarding to hear my dearest Michael saying to me that I am a very nice girl- then all those physical attributes.

About Opinion and Judgment

The recurring theme in my life seems to be that I will face whatever judgment and opinion that I made.

When I hated America and Americans, I got sent to America and dated the nicest American I have ever met in my life by that time.

When I hated government official, I dated a senator and my very best friend became a goverment official.

When I hated the police and all its hierarchical structure, I dated a guy whose whole family joined the police academy, well except him- due to my influence upon him..which i am regretting nowadays.

When I hated US policy in Iraq, i dated an American who was sent to Iraq.

And when I have my opinion about the Israeli army and strongly supports the Palestinian- which I showed during my visit there...I met MD.

Sometimes I ask God..what good is free speech, if you keep on opposing my judgment and my opinion? I am sure You know damn well God, that I could never win any argument with you...So I learned the lesson that I should not rush into judgment easily-and most importantly- to listen and see things as they really are.

MD told me that I am by far the most tolerant Moslem that he has ever met. I don't know whether or not that is a good thing. I am who I am. I do not represent anyone or any other organization. I do not have any affiliation. I really dislike the fact that since I am born and believe a certain religion, then I should be held accountable. I hesitate to talk about my religion or my state of nationality. It is just too big of a burden to carry, and I am not strong enough. Besides, there are always a different spectrum to a story, and I don't see why my action and words should be taken as to represent the whole- because to talk of the whole is to talk and take into account the whole spectrum and perspective-the unity and truth in every person's judgment, opinion, and spectrum.

I really have difficulty being in US, where everyone seems to have and hold their opinion..about almost everything-you name it. I don't like to say my opinion and judgment. There are two reasons for that, firstly-because I think opinion and judgment is something that is yours, the nature is private and personal- and I only share it with certain people. Secondly, I just don't see the point of arguing over whose opinion is wrong and whose opinion is right, I seriously don't care about a lot of things. I don't really have the time and energy to debate on opinion and bull shit talking like what the strongest animal is, or what beer taste the best, who is the sexiest woman alive, or what is the best movie ever. Seriously...who cares? But, if you talk about Guantanamo Bay, Iran, Tsunami, Katrina..I will be more than willing to participate. Why? Because these involves ideas and facts that could form public opinion and even encourage people to invent ways and ideas for progress.

So..if you have opinion..fine have it, but don't waste my time to tell me your opinion, unless I asked for it-or, if saying your opinion could be productive.

But then again, US is the country where individualism is the highest rule. Everything in here is always about "What I think..","My opinion is...","I would say..". Whereas I come from a country where the moment you say anything that contains the word "I"- nobody will ever listen to you..because everything has a hierarchical order. And don't ever try to be unique..you will pe pinched down to make sure that you are not different from anyone else-in summary these could be summarized in two deductive points: who cares about your opinion,and you alone with your damn opinion is not significant, at all.

Again..another paradigm of being an alien in US.

Preparation for Valentine's day

In the year of 2005, I promised to tell what will happen on my valentine's day in 2006. This year, my valentine's day was great, I had a boyfriend and we went on a valentine's day dinner with two other couples. I had fun. Not to mention that his birthday was on that day- so his brother and I made a surprise birthday party for him the following weekend.

That valentine was perhaps the second time that I have ever had valentine's dinner- since I began dating (which seems like soooo long ago, since I was an early starter in the dating game..hey don't hate the player..hate the game ;P).

But following this years valentine was an aftermath that i could not bear, well to sum up- we basically went in a different way..why? i shall give the classic answer, we wanted different things..or another classic one- irreconcilable differences.

This year, I am not going to wait for someone to take me out to dinner, someone to buy me roses, someone to give me cards, or even chocolate. NO. I will still send cards, greetings and chocolate to those that I love- but I do not expect to get any. And in stating and professing my love through all the roses and chocolate thing, I will buy one for myself. Why? Because I love myself. The fact that I love myself is enough- and if somebody else is not around to profess that i deserved to be loved and to be given roses and chocolate does not bother me anymore. There it goes. You may think that I have become a pessimist and feminist..but to tell you the truth...I don't think I can be categorized as that. However, I respect the opinion.

In order to tackle all the sorry look from the couples around me that will be spending their romantic night together with dinner and sex (if they got lucky)..I am going to do the most romantic thing to make myself happy. I think I will volunteer at the church, hospital or orphanage. After all, isn't the greatest love is the love to humankind (which includes myself, of course...). In giving love, love grows even more...

F@*k

Damn it..I can't go anywhere outside of US. I really want to go to the Bahamas anD Carribean Island..Belize probably (Leo..if you read this..don't laugh..you might think that the underlying reason is something else..but really it isn't..NOT..). Fiji Island, Channel Island, and almost every other island. This is sooo ridiculous..now that I have the time and money to actually travel, I have problem with all of this stuff.

ANyways..I am accepting that..so maybe I should just go to Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, or Hawaii. I've never been to all these places actually. For the name of God, I've never even been to Thailand..since the purpose of almost all of my travel is for education and the glory of religion.

Well..right now I am thinking of either taking a class in massage therapy or taking a master of education..I am quite positive that i can finish it in one year. Currently, the pending request is for me take my Doctorate iN law in Japan. I am somehow not very keen with the idea of Japan...but I think I am just being judgmental..after all, the last time I was there, I only spent 1 and a half weeks..But we'll see.

What i am surely doing is take my training to be a yoga instructor in Sedona, and wait for the certification, because the requirement for certification is to at least have thought yoga for 25o hours by minimum. Then I would go to UK for six months for another educational purpose for 6 months..either in November 2007 or 2008.

Next AUgust will mark the second anniversary of me staying in US- and I don't think I am going to stay here more than 5 years by max. Despite of all the cultural shock and paradigm shift, I still love US.

Distribution

I was assigned by the yoga place to distribute flyers and to attract as many new members as possible. I groaned and tried to run away from this job. AAARGGGHHH...I just cannot handle rejection- and I always run away from all those people who are begging for money and ditributing flyers in the street. I either pretend not to see them, to be on the phone, or listening to music, so as not to pay attention to them.

But I decided not to let my fear to overcome, and I agreed to distribute the flyers. Before going out to distribute the flyers, I worked out- because the distribution will take a lot of energy- and I have to be positive. People at the yoga place told me that we attract a certain kind of people- if we appear postive, the positive people will come.

Anyways, after working out and started to think positively, I went out to distribute the flyers. Standing in the middle of Harvard Square, I went out of my comfort zone, my fear is taking over...what if anyone from law school see me? what would they think of me?...Okay..relax..everything is ok, i thought..I can overcome this. Smile..think positively...you are here to help them..."Hello Sir..Are you interested in free yoga class?"and he just passed away and didn't even looked at me...

Okay...I can't do this...I am so angry of being rejected that I want to punch him in the face. Damn it..I told my senior instructor that I can't do it, I cannot handle being rejected. She said, "Don't take it personally..it is not about you". But I simply can't. She told me that everytime someone is saying No to me, I should say 'I love you' to them in my heart. It actually did feel better. I do not handle rejection personally..and with every 'I love you's' that I said, I really do mean it, and I feel my heart was so filled with love, and I became much more happier.

By the end of the distribution time, I think I have been living my 'I love you' way too much, that I have only attracted men to the yoga center- and not one single man rejected my flyer. Based on my observation, older people are so much more nicer, while fashionable men and skinny women with make ups are rude to me. I don't know why, but maybe I unconcsipusly have a competition streak with them...or they simply are just rude.

And so I learn..that a lot of times, love can be felt without being said- and not to take rejection personally...a lot of times it's just them, not you.

In a Relationship

The most important question before entering into a relationship, be it a romantic, platonic, or friendship is: "Can I be in this relationship and still be myself?"

If the answer is NO, then don't be in that relationship, and on the contrary, if the answer is YES then you should try it. However, since the very nature of human being is unstable in words and easily swayed and changed in attitude- even if the initial answer to the question is NO, you could not completely discounted and rejected to be in such relationship solely on the basis of your initial answer. You should also remember, that relationship is always evolving and changing- and being yourself does not mean that you can't compromise certain act. Compromise certain things, and most importantly, do not lose yourself or your identity.

I found that I really appreciate being in any kind of relationship with other people, however there is such a big temptation for me to change myself into what the other person perceive and expect me to be. And this is one big task for me. So from now on, everytime the tempation comes, I ask myself- whether I am comfortable with it and continiously asking.."are you with me, my heart?"

Relationship just becomes so much more easier these days- since I realized- that the most important relationship is the one that i have with myself.