Things are not always one or another. Things aren't always black and white. Things could not always be categorized. Things are not always what it seems to be. Things do not always go the way you want it. Things always evolves.
My life has always been about quantification.
Growing up, my aim in the 16 years of my life was to always get the first rank in my class. I collect as many trophy as I want. I got as many certificate as I can get. And so, I did get a lot of certificate- you name it, from typewriter typing to girl scout, I have it all. I did won trophies. I got first ranks.
I recall when I was a little kid, my mom handed me the Bobo magazine (my favourite children's magazine) and showed me the pictures of all the over achiever kids. She told me she wanted me to be like that. And i obeyed. I so much wanted to be loved by her, that I am willing to be whatever she wanted me to be. My little heart is screaming.."love me Mommy..love me...". I went to any school that my mom sent me to. In all that school, the never ending struggle was to always get the first rank. But...I still feel that she doesn't love me. So I thought that I must be doing something wrong..I need to be better. I must be smarter. I noticed that my mom's face is always glowing when other people are complimenting me. So I changed my behavior. I changed every single thing in me, to satisfy my parents. As I write this, my heart is aching, remembering how hard i tried to be loved.
In my college era, my mom and dad told me that they wouldn't be proud of me unless I get a 3 point something GPA. I tried so hard. I didn't sleep a lot of nights. I attended all classes. I didn't even have a friend. Only to find out that my GPA was 2,75. My life was doomed. I felt like the most stupid person in the world. It didn't matter what other's are saying about how smart I am. My GPA was not 3. Which made me think that I fall into the category of unloved. A complete idiot. By the end of the college era...my GPA was 3,14. I thought my Mom and Dad will be happy. But I didn't graduate early enough to be called on the Dean's list. When the cum laude people was called upon as the representative...my Dad asked me why can't I be like them. It simply didn't matter that I produced the world know certificate in moot court. My other achievements are simply..discounted..because I wasn't the one that is in the Dean's list.
I tried and tried and tried..to please my family. But..the sad truth is...it never ends. It didn't end when I got a job. It didn't end when I dated the guy that I love. It didn't end when I got into Harvard. I finally gave up. 24 years of trying to win a love that i could never get. Heck..I am one persistent and stubborn person.
Did I learn my lesson? NO.
I did it again in my romantic relationships. I tried to be a perfect girlfriend. I didn't get jealous when he hangs out with other girls. I understand if he doesn't want to hug me or hold my hand. I accept that he would rather spend his time alone than with me. I made him dinner. I cleaned up his place. I never ask him to walk me back home. I come everytime he wants me and go everytime he asks me to. I make sure I did everything perfectly. Because I wanted so much to be loved. When he chose to have a relationship with other girl, when he chose to sleep with other girls- my heart was broken into pieces. Because i thought that no matter how hard I tried...no one would love me. This is where my quantification fails. Because he told me that I am a perfect girl...but he just don't want to be with me. I tried to quantify and find where my fault is. But I can't find any. He also told me that it wasn't my fault. Why?Why?Why?
A lot of times..I ask people and myself.."why is the path of finding love is so hard for me?"
I must be such a terrible person that no one is willing to love me.
No matter how hard I tried..nobody ever seems to stay and say they love me.
What i failed to see is, a lot of times...the problem is not with me. It's with them. A lot of times, other people's gesture and statement are actually saying things about them, not about me. I took everything to be my fault. I tried so hard, and sometimes too hard..that I lose myself. After 24 years, I am willing to let go of the persistency that I am so proud of and realize the stupidity and ignorance that my persistency has led me to. The only thing that I am going to pursue persistently is to love myself and to do only things that makes me happy.
Thank you for loving me..You know who you are. I love you with all my heart.
To all the readers..I hope that you find love...and never ever ever betray yourself by being someone that you are not for the sake of other person.
My life has always been about quantification.
Growing up, my aim in the 16 years of my life was to always get the first rank in my class. I collect as many trophy as I want. I got as many certificate as I can get. And so, I did get a lot of certificate- you name it, from typewriter typing to girl scout, I have it all. I did won trophies. I got first ranks.
I recall when I was a little kid, my mom handed me the Bobo magazine (my favourite children's magazine) and showed me the pictures of all the over achiever kids. She told me she wanted me to be like that. And i obeyed. I so much wanted to be loved by her, that I am willing to be whatever she wanted me to be. My little heart is screaming.."love me Mommy..love me...". I went to any school that my mom sent me to. In all that school, the never ending struggle was to always get the first rank. But...I still feel that she doesn't love me. So I thought that I must be doing something wrong..I need to be better. I must be smarter. I noticed that my mom's face is always glowing when other people are complimenting me. So I changed my behavior. I changed every single thing in me, to satisfy my parents. As I write this, my heart is aching, remembering how hard i tried to be loved.
In my college era, my mom and dad told me that they wouldn't be proud of me unless I get a 3 point something GPA. I tried so hard. I didn't sleep a lot of nights. I attended all classes. I didn't even have a friend. Only to find out that my GPA was 2,75. My life was doomed. I felt like the most stupid person in the world. It didn't matter what other's are saying about how smart I am. My GPA was not 3. Which made me think that I fall into the category of unloved. A complete idiot. By the end of the college era...my GPA was 3,14. I thought my Mom and Dad will be happy. But I didn't graduate early enough to be called on the Dean's list. When the cum laude people was called upon as the representative...my Dad asked me why can't I be like them. It simply didn't matter that I produced the world know certificate in moot court. My other achievements are simply..discounted..because I wasn't the one that is in the Dean's list.
I tried and tried and tried..to please my family. But..the sad truth is...it never ends. It didn't end when I got a job. It didn't end when I dated the guy that I love. It didn't end when I got into Harvard. I finally gave up. 24 years of trying to win a love that i could never get. Heck..I am one persistent and stubborn person.
Did I learn my lesson? NO.
I did it again in my romantic relationships. I tried to be a perfect girlfriend. I didn't get jealous when he hangs out with other girls. I understand if he doesn't want to hug me or hold my hand. I accept that he would rather spend his time alone than with me. I made him dinner. I cleaned up his place. I never ask him to walk me back home. I come everytime he wants me and go everytime he asks me to. I make sure I did everything perfectly. Because I wanted so much to be loved. When he chose to have a relationship with other girl, when he chose to sleep with other girls- my heart was broken into pieces. Because i thought that no matter how hard I tried...no one would love me. This is where my quantification fails. Because he told me that I am a perfect girl...but he just don't want to be with me. I tried to quantify and find where my fault is. But I can't find any. He also told me that it wasn't my fault. Why?Why?Why?
A lot of times..I ask people and myself.."why is the path of finding love is so hard for me?"
I must be such a terrible person that no one is willing to love me.
No matter how hard I tried..nobody ever seems to stay and say they love me.
What i failed to see is, a lot of times...the problem is not with me. It's with them. A lot of times, other people's gesture and statement are actually saying things about them, not about me. I took everything to be my fault. I tried so hard, and sometimes too hard..that I lose myself. After 24 years, I am willing to let go of the persistency that I am so proud of and realize the stupidity and ignorance that my persistency has led me to. The only thing that I am going to pursue persistently is to love myself and to do only things that makes me happy.
Thank you for loving me..You know who you are. I love you with all my heart.
To all the readers..I hope that you find love...and never ever ever betray yourself by being someone that you are not for the sake of other person.
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