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since i have written two writings about bibi (and more to come, i bet!!!). I just want to present you....tada dada dada(soundtrack of music)....the picture of me and my one and only prince....tratatatata..jes..(sound of drum) bibi the bunny!!!!


Thank you for the admiration...sorry to let you know that we are both taken!!!

I want to go home

I want a comforting soul, I want someone to hold me, I want a bed that warms my heart.
I want to feel that i belong. I want to be understood. I want something that i can hold on to.

Everything changes, the only constant thing in my life is me. I feel misplaced in a patriarchal society that overvalues collective importance. Yet, I do not fit in this individual society, where everyone is thinking about one thing...ME,ME,ME.

In the end, nothing stays-all you have is yourself. This is when loneliness is so palpable. In times like these, if i can turn back the time, I wish I would never been born at all. Never to experience the vicious circle of having turnaround events and people coming and leaving your life.

The three basic questions of life, I have answered.

1. Who am i? I am the light upon light. I am the son of God, just as Jesus is the son of God. God is within me, and in every particle in the universe. I am Him, He is no other than me, but he is not Me.
2. What do i want from life? Love, happiness and contentment.
   
3. What do i need? everything i need is within me. I need to accept my self, find my true self and listen to it.

And now that i have know all the answer, what's left?

Lust is in the Air...

Kiss..kiss Wine and Dine


Some lonely time Hugs and Kisses






Too bad, the lust is not reciprocal....I miss you all, boys and girls!!!

Love all of you, miss you, and longing to kiss and hug all of you!!!

HBS vs. HLS

Harvard Business School("HBS") parties and boys, in my opinion, are soooo much more fascinating than Harvard Law School ("HLS") boys. Why? Because they are generally much more older, therefore much more mature. With maturity and experience comes this gesture that shows self confidence, in a standard that is much more higher than any HLS boys could exude (ok, maybe not all of them are like that, but mostly are). Besides that, studying business and economy makes them much more aware to the world and social changes, whereas law students are much more technical and rigid. Above all that, HBS boys just dress so much better- with their stripes shirt that looks so yummy...And generally, HBS boys are much more patient, outgoing, and funny. Law students are much more exclusive and secluded, with all their cliques and ganks- whereas business school people seems to have high ability to adapt with any circumstances and situations.

Therefore, it is only reasonable to hang out with HBS guys than HLS guys. And my prediction was proven to be true when i went to HBS parties. Every guy is sooooo nice and funny. Not to mention that since i was invited by the El presidente of the section, i seem to be introduced to every single living male in the whole club. What i like most about them are their honesty. As much as they like to flirt, they would always admit whether they are engaged or in a relationship- which strikes me as something very rare to be found in America (or maybe because i have been hanging out with jerks and commitment phobic waaaay toooo much). That nite i hang out with seven newly engaged guys that were so in love with their fiancee. And I actually had soooo much fun. Clubbing does not necessarily mean that I have to hang out with my skimpy outfit, bumping and grinding with guys who are trying to hit me. Clubbing seems to be a safe place to meet up and actually have fun with friends- and not necessarily to be followed with sex afterwards. Clubbing suddenly is not a scary thing, with safe network and comfortable friends.

What i love more about these HBS guys are how our conversation seems to be flowing, since my background are mostly with business, company and finance. These are mature men who are not looking for a hot chick just for a one night stand. These are men who are not looking for meaningless sex, since they already get enough of it in their adolescent time. These are people who values woman from their intelligence, personality and compatibility. These are people who are looking for a commonality in vision and meaningful conversation, and are not interested to be acquinted with next door-shallow college girls.

Perhaps that's the reason why there are stacks of business cards and phone numbers next to me now....Thanks for inviting me to such a wonderful crowd, El Presidente. All your friends are so charming, and I can't wait for another party invitation!!!

Camping in Ellenville

The trip to upstate New York was.....FANTASTIC!!! After a five hours drive, Gigi, Michael, Zain Boryana and Yuri finally made it to Ellenville. We danced the whole night through- and i mean literally dancing. After one yummy breakfast, we exercised and went to see horses in the stables. We met a lot of people in there, and i made a lot of new friends..Rennee-the actress from NY, Ben-the contractor and opera singer from DC, Jewel- the comedian from NY, Manu- the German yoga instructor and lots of new fun people. We camped near a country club- and the country club was filled with all funky people. Like all the high school kids who apparently were having a big singing and dance competition, and big man and woman whose bodies were filled with tatoo who are learning to do country line dancing...from a British man. Life really is like a circus there.

The next day, we went track hiking and see the waterfalls....which was exceptionally stunning...oh i was i could get the pictures here for you readers to see it. I couldn't tell you how glad i was that i decided to go camping. We went walking through the forest...and our feet were surrounded by leaves. Piles of leaves that goes above my ankles, and how lively it was to connect with Mother Earth! I rolled in the valley of the golf courses, only to walk back soooo far away up that my knees and feet hurts.

The most magical moment was when this handsome someone says how much he loves me, by the waterfall. Just how much more foolishly romantic could this be???? Just when my hair is greasy from all the working out, and leaves were all over my body and hair, and under the moonlight that shines brightly that i decided to cry behind the bush so no one could see...he professed his love to me. I was stunned and cried even harder, but he just hold me and say that he feels my emotion. So what's after this? Well, i already asked him what he wants after he professed his love, and he just smiles. Just a perfect gentleman who wouldn't even try to do anything to me, nor to force me to say anything that i don't want to say. He just wants me to know his feelings for me. When i'm trying to look for a chubby nerd (yes, that's my ideal type of man)- a 27 years old, handsome, well built, mexican-american, romantic guy was sent to me. I guess it's true, that love comes when you are not looking around..

But for now, I will keep all this loving memory in my heart.

Ma Homies!!!

leo,sari,vitri,bharata, kanya, dida, me, arif

Please find the pictures of me and ma homies. I miss them a lot! I don't know when we will have another gathering where all of us will gather together again. Life has brought us together, and we shared a lot of things. They are among the few people who really really understands my character (not that i have one....=P). My homies have also seen boys come and go through out my life (and not only as boyfriends, they have seen crushes, fiancee, affairs, and even one night stands, i know- it's just complicated...). We always meet each other, every single week. A typical outing will be...eating, eating, eating, watching movie, and chatting while having cigarettes. A lot of times all of us sleeps together. We would hit clubs together, and dance with each other (no wonder that almost all of us are still single right now). As we spend our times together, and communicating though we are far apart, i feel that we grow to be much more mature and changed our character. But..I know we will always be close, forever! I love you and miss you all, ma homies!!!!

Another Trip

Yay! Another trip to NY!!! This time, Michael and Nick are going with me, and we will be resting in a resort in Ellenville. Will be staying there for 3 days, and am sure will be having a lot of time. So i'm preparing my camera, some sweaters, and most importantly... comfy clothes, since hanging out with boys means a lot of walking around.

I will update you with more stories, and hopefully pictures! Meanwhile, if you guys can't contact me in the time being, or read my stories for a few days, just wait for another exciting stories!

The Price of Independence

What does being independent means? Independence seems to be something that all teenagers crave. Does it merely means getting out of your parents house, going to party and getting drunk every night? Or does it means something like all magazines seems to assert, being able to choose your partner and financially stable in your daily life?

My interpretation of independence have always been being self sufficient and self relying. It means not bothering anyone, not to be easily astrayed by emotion, and most importantly, by not needing anyone. So resistant and persistent was I to be in my own determination that I would not seek help even if needed. The conflict therein lies when i realize that as a human being, it is our nature to be an individual and a social person in the same realm. It was hard to engulf the faith that i needed someone else.

I refuse to be connected or seeking help from somebody else. It was a great shock and dissapointment when someone told me that i was dependent. It hurts so much. I know it isn't true. The person who said such words had even told me that he didn't mean it. But words are somehow just like a stone, once you say a word- it is just like throwing a stone, you could never take it back. I know its not true. But i have been driving myself away from everything, and overdrive myself to the limit, and not take my medicine- just to prove that i am not dependent, to anything.

The price of trying to prove myself to be independent is high. I could be in the verge of depression at any given moment, i drove people who cared about me away, but i am determined to do all this. Not to prove to anyone else, just to myself. That I am self sufficient and self relying. Now that i have passed that stage, i know the balance of being independent while still being a human who needs social contact.

Counting the Days

I made a pact of not contacting my ex. No phone calls for more than five minutes, no seeing him, not looking at anything online that is related to him, no talking with him, no meeting with him, nothing. This is like battling an addiction, and i made my pact well known to everyone around me. So far, i have been successfull. I have not looked at his my-space, no looking at his facebook profile, in the past two weeks, I called him three times- two of which lasted for five minutes and the other one is about twelve minutes. Each day I become stronger and stronger of letting him go out of my life.

Today he e-mailed me. It feels different. He was never a man that talks much, and during all the time that i had contact with him, i have always been waiting for him to say something. I was utterly happy at every text messages and e-mail that he would send. Today, I looked at my e-mail and just logged out. No thrilling excitement of wonders of what he will be saying-no curiousity-just plain. A feeling of indifference.

They say, "energy goes where your mind is", and i simply don't have the energy for thinking and putting my mind into the turbulence of something called relationship that doesn't even exist anymore. Out of my respect to him, I opened the e-mail. It was as if all my feeling of love has evaporates. I would not give my energy, love, and mind for anyone else but me at this point.

It feels good, to know that i can outgrow out of my feelings. It feels good to know that rationality and faith could take over my somehow unjustified feeling. It feels good to know you can actually have the self-control, self-strength and self-discipline to overcome what you thought as something uncontrollable and irrational.

Someone told me, "out of sight, out of mind." Unfortunately, there is truth in it. As in every connection that you have with every human being- the more time you spend together, the more you would grow fondness and the commonality feeling. That is not always the case, but most of the time, that is what happens. I decided and choose not to have any commonality with him, for all we shared is the past. Everyone changes, and so have I and he. Before we know it, we wouldn't even know each other anymore. I change rapidly and radically these past years. I don't get along anymore with people in my past. Such circumstances are inevitable, but sadly, that happens. This time, I choose to change myself so the circumstances will happen.

The past week, I have been calling my ex's mother, which happens to be someone that i consider very close to my heart, lesser and lesser. Even that I don't want to share anymore. As less as possible that i could prevent any circumvention between me and him- I will try.

I recognise the pattern. If i feel angry, that means i still care deeply with that person. But if i am quiet and distant, it means i really don't want to do anything anymore with that person- that i would not even let them be so important in my life as to have the space to be hated. Indifference and ignorance, that is what i feel. I know i shouldn't feel that way- because we human beings should be forgiving to one another. But life is full of changes. And they say insanity is when you expect a different result when you are doing the same thing...well, only an insane person would think that i would react the same way.

Tolerance

What I need to remember in my mind is that some people just wouldn't and couldn't be changed. For some people, compromise is just not in their vocabulary. And after all, we could never change anyone else, we can only change ourselves. There are certain kind of people that is not ready to be helped.