Counting the Days

I made a pact of not contacting my ex. No phone calls for more than five minutes, no seeing him, not looking at anything online that is related to him, no talking with him, no meeting with him, nothing. This is like battling an addiction, and i made my pact well known to everyone around me. So far, i have been successfull. I have not looked at his my-space, no looking at his facebook profile, in the past two weeks, I called him three times- two of which lasted for five minutes and the other one is about twelve minutes. Each day I become stronger and stronger of letting him go out of my life.

Today he e-mailed me. It feels different. He was never a man that talks much, and during all the time that i had contact with him, i have always been waiting for him to say something. I was utterly happy at every text messages and e-mail that he would send. Today, I looked at my e-mail and just logged out. No thrilling excitement of wonders of what he will be saying-no curiousity-just plain. A feeling of indifference.

They say, "energy goes where your mind is", and i simply don't have the energy for thinking and putting my mind into the turbulence of something called relationship that doesn't even exist anymore. Out of my respect to him, I opened the e-mail. It was as if all my feeling of love has evaporates. I would not give my energy, love, and mind for anyone else but me at this point.

It feels good, to know that i can outgrow out of my feelings. It feels good to know that rationality and faith could take over my somehow unjustified feeling. It feels good to know you can actually have the self-control, self-strength and self-discipline to overcome what you thought as something uncontrollable and irrational.

Someone told me, "out of sight, out of mind." Unfortunately, there is truth in it. As in every connection that you have with every human being- the more time you spend together, the more you would grow fondness and the commonality feeling. That is not always the case, but most of the time, that is what happens. I decided and choose not to have any commonality with him, for all we shared is the past. Everyone changes, and so have I and he. Before we know it, we wouldn't even know each other anymore. I change rapidly and radically these past years. I don't get along anymore with people in my past. Such circumstances are inevitable, but sadly, that happens. This time, I choose to change myself so the circumstances will happen.

The past week, I have been calling my ex's mother, which happens to be someone that i consider very close to my heart, lesser and lesser. Even that I don't want to share anymore. As less as possible that i could prevent any circumvention between me and him- I will try.

I recognise the pattern. If i feel angry, that means i still care deeply with that person. But if i am quiet and distant, it means i really don't want to do anything anymore with that person- that i would not even let them be so important in my life as to have the space to be hated. Indifference and ignorance, that is what i feel. I know i shouldn't feel that way- because we human beings should be forgiving to one another. But life is full of changes. And they say insanity is when you expect a different result when you are doing the same thing...well, only an insane person would think that i would react the same way.