Honesty

It has been so long since the last time that I actually been honest. Always pretending to be what other people wants me to be. Always pretending to be someone that is not who I really am. Now I finally have the chance to be me. It wasn't really as scary as I thought it would be. To know that other people would not leave me when I am being honest. To know that they would accept me as I am and to really be comfortable.

In almost every relationship that I have, I tried so hard to make people see me differently. I want them to think that I am cruel, bad, heartless, basically a hateful bitch. The underlying reason is that I don't feel that I deserve to be loved. I don't think I deserve any friendship from any one. Another reason is because of my fear. I am afraid that people will hurt me. I am afraid that I would dissapoint people because I actually am not someone they wanted me to be.

These past months, I have rejected people who are very close to me. I told my therapist that I didn't trust her. I told my yoga instructor that I think she is trying to manipulate me. I told my group therapy all my secrets. I told Debbie how I really felt about her. Amazingly, they all still stay with me. Amazingly, they see me through my layers. They saw my soul and heart.

With the kids at Jessup, I know that I will be remembered as an angry woman, who yells a lot and is rude. Truly, I actually care deeply about them. I think time has been a helpful element for them to actually see who I really am, though not all of them saw that. Beyond all these layers, I am actually very...sensitive. The fact that I don't know how to show my love and my fear of intimacy made people misunderstood me. But that is not something that I regretted. I know better now. I am continuosly in the process of being honest and actually being who I really am. Thank you to everyone who has put up through me and the one who stayed with me and loves me endlessly.