jean pierre once told me that if you are given the same experience over and over again, it would mean that you haven't learned from that experience. i have made the amendment to change myself, to become better. to be much more organized, scheduled, and responsible.
i have been living my life like a spoiled brat, because everything comes so easy. when i look around, and see how hardworking people are, i should be ashamed. i have always been proud of how flexible i am, how unplanned i am, therefore i am so free spirited. i have no fear, i feel happy when i do extreme things, including anything related to criminally sanctioned actions. and i thought that is what it meant to be free spirited and fearless.
but i have to face my fear. i am so afraid to become one of the organized people, who thinks more than once before taking any action. because to me that is so unabridled and unabashed. but now, as i look back to how i behaved, all of this means nothing but sheer stupidity and childish views.
i thought that life with challenges and all wayward steps i am taking will be the kind of life that i would want to tell to my grandchildren someday...that i was a rebellion, that i was once a brave and free spirited girl. because if i live the live by the rules, i would not have anything in my life. that my life will only be a mediocre. but i realize, that i would only be a girl.
as much as i don't want to let go, it is time to change my view...why? maybe because i have become an adult. well maybe not yet... at least i am trying to understand the consequences of my act, before i do something now.
or is this simply a paradigm shift? whatever it is, this is an experience that changed my perspective and view. the most beautiful thing about human is that the always changes. just the way i have changed during my stay in here.
But God, is this the price that I have to pay for my lesson? Costly I would say, but I surrender everything to you. After all, only You, God- the one that has all the power. Please make this one work for me God. Please give me strength to change and become a better person each and every day.
i have been living my life like a spoiled brat, because everything comes so easy. when i look around, and see how hardworking people are, i should be ashamed. i have always been proud of how flexible i am, how unplanned i am, therefore i am so free spirited. i have no fear, i feel happy when i do extreme things, including anything related to criminally sanctioned actions. and i thought that is what it meant to be free spirited and fearless.
but i have to face my fear. i am so afraid to become one of the organized people, who thinks more than once before taking any action. because to me that is so unabridled and unabashed. but now, as i look back to how i behaved, all of this means nothing but sheer stupidity and childish views.
i thought that life with challenges and all wayward steps i am taking will be the kind of life that i would want to tell to my grandchildren someday...that i was a rebellion, that i was once a brave and free spirited girl. because if i live the live by the rules, i would not have anything in my life. that my life will only be a mediocre. but i realize, that i would only be a girl.
as much as i don't want to let go, it is time to change my view...why? maybe because i have become an adult. well maybe not yet... at least i am trying to understand the consequences of my act, before i do something now.
or is this simply a paradigm shift? whatever it is, this is an experience that changed my perspective and view. the most beautiful thing about human is that the always changes. just the way i have changed during my stay in here.
But God, is this the price that I have to pay for my lesson? Costly I would say, but I surrender everything to you. After all, only You, God- the one that has all the power. Please make this one work for me God. Please give me strength to change and become a better person each and every day.
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