I again practice listening. Listening to what I really want to do. A year ago, all I ever wanted was to work in New York, be a corporate lawyer, walking around Wall Street with my savvy suit, reading my Wall Street Journal while sipping my coffee, watching Bloomberg while having lunch, investing my money in mutual funds, hanging out with mutual fund managers and mortgage brokers. Why did I wanted all that? Prestige, Money, Respect. Do I really like doing it? I like math. I love the strategy and politics involved in New York Finance World. Hey, this is the center of all the money in the whole freakin world. To be involved in that industry means you are part of the controller of the world. After all, the world is ruled by money, eh? But will I be happy? No. Will the money that I get make me happy? No.
Everyday I ask the same question:
"my heart, speak to me...what should I do? Should I change my carreer? what should I do to make my soul, instead of my emotion, happy? please talk to me..I'm all ears, I'm listening."
It has been months. Still no answer. I should ask much more often, louder, and with sincerity.
There is an absolute certainty that there is something bigger than this. There must be. There must be something bigger than the daily activities. Everytime I look around, people are working out harder and harder, drinking more and more, going out late and later.
Sky once told me, that even if he became a very rich person- he would still work. Why? He works because he loves what he is doing. RS told me that he doesn't have to work, because he has enough money. He did it because he loves doing law. Michael and Annie become yoga instructors because of the environment and they love what yoga brought to them. Michael and Annie are mostly happy with what they do every single day.
There are also people like D, C, and J- whose name I would not mention. D,C, and J have to do their job to make a living. Do they like what they are doing? A little. Do they love what they are doing? No, they are only making a living.
You can always tell the difference between a person who do their job because they want to make money and those who really love what they are doing. People who feels that their profession is their calling.
What is my calling? What? What?
After a long reflection, the only thing that I could think of is still being a lawyer, but I want a direct involvement with people- not corporation as a legal entity. The last time I tried, I wasn't emotionally strong to be in human rights law or any other law related to any governmental entity. A lot of times, I just feel useless and no matter how much effort I take is just not going to make any difference. Not to mention the pain of seeing other's suffering and pain. The reason why I don't want to be close with people is because once I open my heart, I become overly involved with them- including my clients. I am learning the art of balance in personal life.
Another thing that I have been struggling if I decide to do this is the travelling and over commitment in time. I was constantly reminded by my family of a supposedly main function of a woman..to be a "housekeeper". Being in this area would mean no regular office hours- and probably no possibility of future husband. It was not until a few months ago that I stopped caring about the importance of being in a relationship, understand the real meaning of relationship, stop defining the main function of a woman, and really accept who I am, what happened in my past and really listen to what I want.
Understanding my impulsive nature, I wouldn't make any decision too fast. I am taking my time. I am travelling and volunteering around while listening to my heart. Since what I am doing really comes from my heart, nothing seems more fulfilling.
At this point, what really matters is my happiness. Having money, being in a relationship and trying to be loved by others doesn't make me happy. I am listening. Listening to what really makes me happy instead of what people say would make me happy.
I am flat broke, cold, and single- but I have never been happier in my life. Wy? Because I have never loved myself as much.
Everyday I ask the same question:
"my heart, speak to me...what should I do? Should I change my carreer? what should I do to make my soul, instead of my emotion, happy? please talk to me..I'm all ears, I'm listening."
It has been months. Still no answer. I should ask much more often, louder, and with sincerity.
There is an absolute certainty that there is something bigger than this. There must be. There must be something bigger than the daily activities. Everytime I look around, people are working out harder and harder, drinking more and more, going out late and later.
Sky once told me, that even if he became a very rich person- he would still work. Why? He works because he loves what he is doing. RS told me that he doesn't have to work, because he has enough money. He did it because he loves doing law. Michael and Annie become yoga instructors because of the environment and they love what yoga brought to them. Michael and Annie are mostly happy with what they do every single day.
There are also people like D, C, and J- whose name I would not mention. D,C, and J have to do their job to make a living. Do they like what they are doing? A little. Do they love what they are doing? No, they are only making a living.
You can always tell the difference between a person who do their job because they want to make money and those who really love what they are doing. People who feels that their profession is their calling.
What is my calling? What? What?
After a long reflection, the only thing that I could think of is still being a lawyer, but I want a direct involvement with people- not corporation as a legal entity. The last time I tried, I wasn't emotionally strong to be in human rights law or any other law related to any governmental entity. A lot of times, I just feel useless and no matter how much effort I take is just not going to make any difference. Not to mention the pain of seeing other's suffering and pain. The reason why I don't want to be close with people is because once I open my heart, I become overly involved with them- including my clients. I am learning the art of balance in personal life.
Another thing that I have been struggling if I decide to do this is the travelling and over commitment in time. I was constantly reminded by my family of a supposedly main function of a woman..to be a "housekeeper". Being in this area would mean no regular office hours- and probably no possibility of future husband. It was not until a few months ago that I stopped caring about the importance of being in a relationship, understand the real meaning of relationship, stop defining the main function of a woman, and really accept who I am, what happened in my past and really listen to what I want.
Understanding my impulsive nature, I wouldn't make any decision too fast. I am taking my time. I am travelling and volunteering around while listening to my heart. Since what I am doing really comes from my heart, nothing seems more fulfilling.
At this point, what really matters is my happiness. Having money, being in a relationship and trying to be loved by others doesn't make me happy. I am listening. Listening to what really makes me happy instead of what people say would make me happy.
I am flat broke, cold, and single- but I have never been happier in my life. Wy? Because I have never loved myself as much.
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