Today becomes the first time that I have talked to my brother since a year ago. We were never that close. But for the first time, I see how we are related. We are conditioned not to trust anyone- not even each other. We are conditioned not to show our love or any other emotion.
My brother and I never went to the same school, except in our high school. But by the time he entered high school, I was already in college in a different island. He reminds me of myself a few years ago. He was where I was once before, a place filled with a lot of guilt and rage.
He hates America the way I hated America. He has been beating up any American that could be found near him. His profile in one of the online website is filled with Nazi's picture. He tries so hard to make my mother happy so he could be loved, the way I tried. He really wants money, the way I was so materialistic. He is sociable the way I was.
I can't imagine his reaction if I told him that I don't want to get married yet, or that I have a tatoo, or that America actually isn't the devil. I told him that he shouldn't hate America if he has never even been to America. "Don't make judgment", I told him. I told him that I understand his feeling, because I was once in that place too. He resisted and said that it's his opinion and the way he feels.
I know how hard life is treating him. This is the boy that was hit by a broom by his mother when he was nine years old. My mother hit him so hard that it left bruises for days. This is the boy that had a fight and was brought to a police station. While he was in the police station, no one in the family wanted to pick him up at the police station. This is the boy that life the same life, shared the same room, and is conditioned to think that money is the most important thing in this world. We were never given any stipend. We were both pushed to be strong, to never show emotion, to have straight A's, to make a lot of money- by all means, either by hook or crook.
I don't need to spill all the domestic and emotional violence that we went through in our household. Talking with him, I see my past. How I want to save him and open his eyes. How I want to tell him that it is okay to love. How I wish that he would trust me and let me his confidante. There are so many things that I wish to happen, but just didn't.
We are just like each other, and if you were in our position, wouldn't you be bitter and angry too?
Maybe some of you already knows about my father. He once was my idol. I once wanted to be his favourite. Now, he might be going to jail and lost almost all of our family equities. I pulled all the strings to try to save him from going into jail. Despite of all my effort, not that I am expecting a simple thank you- he didn't even say any single thing to me. He didn't go to jail- but blames me for not getting the guy that he hated so much to be imprisoned. Instead of being grateful that he didn't end up in the jail-he blames me for not getting another guy imprisoned.
Today, my brother told me that he also pulled some strings. I don't know how, but he got the Minister of Education to meet my father. The Minister told my father to sit back, relax, and the guy that he hates will lose his job. But no, my father says he wants the guy to be imprisoned.
The similar thing about me, my brother, and my father, is our rage and love for vengeance. It seems that everyone who dares to brush our ego will be crushed. But is it worth it?
I know that for me it didn't. It takes a lot of me to realize that. I wish I could share this with them. I wish that whoever reads this will take the lesson without having to go through what we have been through.
1 comment:
Having read this, I imagine myself being in the same position as your brother. Because truthfully, I am, or at least, I used to be. Bleeding out of getting beaten by a broom, roped and dragged into the bathroom, grounded in an open field exposed to the sun by lifting one foot for half an hour, you name it, I experienced it. That's what probably triggered me to keep this enormous hatred and disappointment to my parents, to entirely disagree with whatever value they are upholding, to do the exact opposite of what they tell me to do. That's what also made me disagree with religious values, marriage, having children, forming a family. Because deep down inside I'm scared. I'm scared of not being able to be a good husband, a good father, I'm scared of ending up being one of those hypocrites like my parents bragging about how their kids go to UI, achieved trophies and certificates, how we are one small happy family, etc. whereas they're completely pretending to be blind about the problems in our family.
But in the end, I'm tired to be alone all the time. I decided that I should be open, that I should communicate about my problems to someone else, that I should hug and kiss people as I've never really felt what it's like to be kissed or hugged by my own parents. Often do I look for another figure of a father or mother in someone else, but I know exactly how hard I try, my parents are always gonna be my parents. And they would always be who they are: close-minded, judgmental, hard-hearted, angry people. If I just focus on them, I'll never move forwards, I wouldn't have been able to go this far.
I also wish the same to you, that you never had to go through all of this, as well to your brother. But it's this kind of experience which taught us to be stronger isn't it?
Thank you for the wishes for the team.
I'm looking forward to seeing you in march!
Love.
Post a Comment