Dead Corpse

One day,
I got back from school,
And a lot of people were gathering in front of my house.
There were carpets all over the house.
Carpets means that we are expecting visitor.
Carpets means that there was a gathering.
I thought that my parents decided to do gathering,
Either for business or social purpose.

I took off my shoes,
Looked at all the stranger,
Looked at flowers around the house,
And people sitting quietly.
I saw my cousin crying.

And there she was.
My grandmother.
Laying in the bed.
Dead.

My mom told me to change my uniform.
I don't know what to wear.
I never faced death before.
I don't know what's appropriate.
I don't know what is proper for a funeral.
In a split second I decided to wear something black.
Because that is what I saw people wore in movies- whenever there is a funeral.
Just as I walk out of my bedroom door,
My mom told me to change again.
I should wear white, she said,
Because it symbolizes purity.
The way the funeral is going to be.

I sat and just watch around.
I do not feel any sadness.
Or any loss.
I feel indifferent.
I guess she simply didn't matter to me.

I looked at my father.
His eyes are red.
He tried to hold his tears.
I looked at my mother,
Sobbing and reading the holy book.
I looked at my cousin,
She was hysterical and hugging the dead corpse.

I just stare at the corpse.
Everyone in the room was looking down.
Trying to show condolences.
Some of them pretended to be sad.

And i feel bad,
Because I was not crying.
I was not sad.
To me, she has long been dead.
I never really liked her.
I thought of what an awful person I was.
For not feeling any single thing,
When a woman that was my roommate died.
I tried to remember our happy moments together.
But I can't.
Because I don't think I was happy,
Although we spent over than 4 years together.
From the time she was healthy,
Until she became paralyzed.

I feel nothing.
Just numbness.
And I feel guilty for not feeling anything.
For maybe I am just cold and distant.

And then my dad, my mom, I and my cousin went to the chamber.
We washed her.
Seven times.
And there was her.
Lying in front of me.
Our stretched feet were below her dead body.
She was naked in my legs.
This woman who was my grandmother is naked in front of me.
I saw her breast,
Her pubic hair.
I stared at her face.
Her mouth half opened.
The messy hair all straightened up.
I feel disgusted.
But not even one tear ever falls down on my face.
I still can't believe my last memory of her would be my astonishment of seeing her wrinkly body and pubic hair.
And people expect me to be sad with that image.
But all that I could feel is shock.
Except my mother,
I have never seen any other woman naked in my life.
Thank God my legs were holding her calves.
Therefore I could just stare down and see her feet.

And we put white cloth on her.
She looked like frankenstein when we washed her.
Now she looked like a mummy.
Wrapped in white cloth.

I helped carry her body.
It was heavy.
I got to hold her butt.

We carried her to the living room.
Laid her down in the carpeted floor.
They made a ribbon on the top of her head with the white cloth.
She looked ridiculous.
Thank God she passed away, at least she wouldn't feel ashamed of the way she looked.

They put white powder on her face.
The only part that was not covered with white cloth.
And all the family member gathered.
To give the body the last kisses,
Whispered in the ear of the body goodbye.

I looked at what people did.
I listened to my mom asking for forgiveness in the body's ear.
The body was once my mom's mother in law.
Wanting to fit in,
I tried to think of what to say,
Whether to ask for forgiveness,
Or to say my love.
I prayed that I don't have to come to the body.
But it is inevitable.
My turn came,
The whole room set their eyes on me.
Oh eyes, please shed tear for me, I begged.
Do not let people think of me as a cold bitch.
Oh heart please feel sadness, I prayed.
What kind of a grand daughter am I?
And nothing happens.
So I looked down.
I mumbled words to pretend that I was saying something.
And then I went back to my seat.

They put flower to her nostrils.
As if they haven't known that she no longer breathe.
As if they need to make it much more obvious.
And then we carry her to the cemetary.
I watched as they put her body in the ground.
I just watched from far away.
I was bored.

That night,
I sleep as if nothing has happened.

I was 13 when I first encounter death.
The death of my roommate, house mate, and grandmother.
After that, I become more and more experienced in pretending to mourn over death.
Being the member of class representative,
I was always sent to say condolences,
Everytime anyone related to school member dies.
In one year,
I attended three of my classmates' parents funeral,
My teacher's spouse funeral,
And a fellow schoolmate's funeral.
I remembered what to say,
As if they have written a script for me.
Of how loving that dead corpse was once before,
And how the family member should be strong and to continue living.
Although I didn't know any of those corpses story.
To mourn seems to be a necessity.
And i needed to pretend to mourn.

I know what kind of funeral I want.
If I were to die,
I would donate all my organ.
And whatever that was left of me,
I want to be burned.
So people wouldn't be terrified to see my naked body.
And let my ashes be one with the air.
For at last I am free to follow wherever the wind takes me.
I shall fly like a bird,
At last gaining freedom.
And there shall be no tomb for people to mourn.
I do not seek people to cry in remembrance of me.
I would rather be forgotten than to cause sadness.

And I have never feared death.
The only thing that I fear of death is not being able to say the words that were never spoken.
And I always say everything,
Fearing that people that I care would die without even knowing what I feel for them.

Dead corpse,
I fear you not.