vonis

my vonis will come soon. it is just a matter of time, before i am leaving. it might be in one month, or in another five months. so i shouldn't dwell on the past. i shouldn't be in the same obsessive mind of blaming myself over and over and over again. i make mistakes, but do does everyone. if there is a price that i should pay, then i will pay it.

i am scared. so scared. sometimes i wish i could be kept in the dark. because somehow, although fear exist, at least i still have hope. but i can not live another denial. and today my chest feels so light. because i have accepted the truth. the worse has happened. that is the truth. i am not living in denial anymore. and there is no better feeling. my chest is about to burst in happiness, and it feels so wide. it's thrilling, and yet peaceful.

it takes so long for me to let go. and i didn't even realize all of this hatred, self pitying and bitterness, and it finally consumed the whole part of me. and when i found the root, and unplug the whole existence. the feeling of freedom makes me so happy that i burst into tears, literally.

when i lost everything, i found myself.
and nothing could compare to that.