betrayal

1. to love somebody dearly, and to find that you are dumped for another girl....is a betrayal
2. to tell your bestfriend a secret, a secret that if known to other people will prove that you have lied to everyone and found that she has told every other person....is a betrayal
3. to report your friend that just ordered ecstasy from you because you are a dealer, but later turned her in when you get busted....is a betrayal
4. to left your best friend that is drunk at the apartment of the guy which she doesn't like and has been chasing her all night...is a betrayal
5. to read your friend's diary and read it outloud in front of the whole class....is a betrayal
6. to tell your best friend's parent that she actually goes out with opposite sex which resulted to her being beaten by her parents until she can barely walk....is a betrayal
7. to talk, laugh and stop talking to your friend without her ever knowing why....is a betrayal
8. to openly say that your friend is weird and have lousy sense of fashion and laugh at her in front of everyone else, and see her laugh together with you....is a betrayal
9. to have a sleep over and have an amazing night together, then leave your friend without saying goodbye or waking her up although you are going to a class that both of you take....is a betrayal
10. to tell your friend about a scholarship and ask him to apply together with you, only to find out that he would apply secretly and left you, although you were the one who told him about the scholarship....is a betrayal
11. to speak with your friend only when you need to borrow her notes....is a betrayal
12. to come to a table which i sat in, then invite all your friends, and ignoring me and not even talk to me, although we are classmates....is a betrayal

which is why upon all other things in this world, i hate betrayal. i never knew all of the above mentioned actions are betrayal. to have someone call me a betrayer, is something that i could not handle. every pain that i have felt come upon me in endless dream. i cannot believe that i have turned into something that i have hated all my life. now i know that the Golden Rule absolutely don't apply to me. Because I let people walk all over me.


what i know now, is that my freedom of expression is now limited to a journal. that betrayal take many forms instead of caesar and brutus scene. that just because you know something, doesn't mean that you have to share everything. that two wrongs can't make one right. that media is too powerful of a forum. that i would never really have anonimity. that people have opinions about you, and if you try to listen to all their opinion, you will be miserable. that other people don't think and react the way you do. that i have a very high standard of tolerance and patience, that i thought everyone else have the same standard. that not everyone accept the treatment that i have received. that there is so much that i have to learn in socializing with others. that my past is so fucked up that i can't be normal if i react and socialize based on my past.

i accept the fact that i am weird. i accept the fact that i am different. i accept that i think and react differently from other people. so help me God, from not giving up. I owe this, at least for other people, if not for myself.